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My favourite links regarding the phenomenon. There is a lot of junk out there, but you have to know where to look. Here is my list. Do you have any to add?
This UFObelievers list belongs to the subreddit and gets updated often so make sure to check it regularly: If you come across a dead link please DM me u/Remseey2907 Latest update: 07 February 2021
Intelligence (personnel) Government projects, NASA, ESA and corporate.
Christopher Mellon fr. Deputy Assistant Secretary of Defense for Intelligence in the Clinton and George W. Bush administrations and later for Security and Information Operations. He formerly served as the Staff Director of the United States Senate Select Committee on Intelligence: https://youtu.be/7EmR5dTUjlE Nato Intelligence Analyst Command Sergeant) Major Robert Orel Dean: https://youtu.be/gmaa-PtVCkI Project Bluebook director Colonel Robert Friend: https://youtu.be/oPTVswrkV0Q Interview with Robert Bigelow of Bigelow Aerospace: 'It's right under people's noses' Astronomer Carl Sagan:extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence...Astronomer and Project Bluebook investigator J.Allen Hynek's response:but if you are reluctant to study the individual cases how can you conclude there is nothing to it? Isn't that what scientists do before they come to a conclusion?https://u.pcloud.link/publink/show?code=XZizapXZKk9gv99XhlLmmyK0oNdLVmvI7mhk NASA astronaut Gordon Cooper saw a flying saucer land and take off and he wrote a letter to the UN. Interview with Gordon: His letter to the UN was never properly answered. Quote Gordon:I even spoke to Kurt Waldheim. They talked a great deal, but nothing ever came out of it.view Gordon's letter to the UN NASA astronaut Edgar Mitchell's UFO revelations. Mitchell walked on the moon: Interview with Edgar Mitchell
Interview Joe Rogan Experience with James Fox and Jacques Vallée: Spotify link: Richard Dolan: Globalizing thievery with Catherine Austin Fitts: https://youtu.be/WlItNAk4U-U
I am a 22 year old full-time graduate student and part-time office worker making $12.60/hour and living mostly off of anticipated student loans
Occupation: Full time student, part time office worker Industry: Higher education Age: 22 Location: Upstate New York Paycheck: From my part-time job, approximately $300 pre-tax every two weeks. I obviously don’t make enough to pay any income tax at the end of the year, so I get it all back. \Disclaimer\** I wrote this diary last week, it reflects my activity and spending from March 2-8. However, due to the COVID-19 outbreak, my living, working, and education situations have all drastically changed since then. I may not be able to work as much in the next few months, my university shut down in-person classes and all events, and it’s just been a crazy few days in general. If anyone’s interested in a follow-up diary of life, work, and spending at a university shut down by coronavirus, I’d be happy to write another one. Basic Info I’m a full-time graduate student in my first semester of a two-year master’s program. My undergraduate education was fully funded by my parents and a small merit scholarship. I’m eternally grateful for this. Since I graduated a semester early from undergrad, my parents agreed to cover the first semester of grad school with the last of their savings for my education since it was technically only my 8th semester of school. For the rest of grad school, I’m living almost entirely off of student loans- anticipating about $40k by the end. I was lucky to receive a $16k/year scholarship from my program, which is about half of tuition. I work 15 hours a week at an office job for $12.60/hour. I am actively seeking a second part-time job but it’s hard to fit in with a full academic schedule. Assets and Debt Basically nothing… yet. I don’t have a retirement account, no 401k, no homeownership, etc. Luckily this also means that I currently have zero debt, since I’ve never had a credit card (I know, this is kind of bad) and I won’t start to pay back grad school loans for about a year and a half. My checking account balance is currently hovering around $7,000, I'm running down this balance to live out the rest of the semester and the summer until I take out my first loans in the fall. Monthly expenses: Rent: $900 Internet: $25, I share with my roommate Spotify Premium + Hulu: $4.99 student subscription ESPN+: $4.99 Health insurance: $0, I’m under 26 so luckily still on my parents insurance! Not looking forward to giving that up! Phone plan: $0, my mom works for a telecom company so the whole family get heavy discounts through her, and she covers the small remaining cost Therapy and medications: approximately $25, I’m lucky to have $10 copays through my campus health center and low cost for meds. Birth control is free through insurance. Yearly expenses: Bus pass: $200 with student discount- my campus is on a big-ass hill and I live at the bottom of said hill, so the bus is the only thing that gets me to class. I would be lost without it Hockey season tickets: $204. I’m a HUGE hockey fan (this is also what the ESPN+ subscription is for), this is for my school’s men’s team. Women’s regular season tickets are free! Yay sexism? Campus gym membership: $159. I’m trying to get better about actually using this but I hate the gym. My behavioral economics professor managed to convince me that if I spent the money on a gym membership I would use it, but apparently I am an economic outlier since I’ve gone once this entire year. Amazon Prime Student: $59.99 I’m probably gonna cancel this next year. I don’t think I use it enough to justify the cost, and also I feel worse and worse about supporting Amazon as a company Monday 7:30 AM You know those days when your alarm goes off and you just immediately know that it interrupted the deepest portion of your sleep? Yeah that was today. I hit snooze once (very rare for me) and sleep in for another few minutes before getting up, and then I’m quickly dressed and out the door to the bus by 8:05. 8:15 AM Coffee at my favorite coffee shop on campus before class. Buying coffee is probably my worst spending habit, it’s a near-daily occurrence during the semester. $3.24 10:00 AMMy first class is over, and I’m hungry. I took too long walking to the main dining hall and got caught up in the breakfast rush hour, so I settle for a bagel at another cafe nearby. $3.82 (tax free on campus card) 12:00 PM Free lunch at at a bi-weekly speaker series I’ve been going to recently! Today’s speaker is incredible and her work aligns closely with my previous internships and the kind of work I want to do after grad school. I consider going up to talk to her afterwards, but get caught up in a conversation with a classmate and before I know it she’s gone. I decide to send her an email later on introducing myself and thanking her for coming to campus. 1:45 PM Stop by the shipping center on campus to send a package to my dad- he got me a really nice Christmas gift but it is unfortunately malfunctioning, and he’s agreed to deal with getting it exchanged. $8.73 for a padded envelope and shipping costs. 4:10 PM Final class of the day is over and I head home. I know that I have a meeting that I need to go back to campus for later, but I can’t resist changing back into PJs and jumping into my bed. I try to do some work on my laptop for the meeting while eating cereal straight from the box (#health) and listening to a sports podcast. Shockingly, this was not productive. 5:40 PM Realize that the usual 7 PM meeting has been moved to 6. I mildly freak out, change back into normal clothes, and I’m in my car on the way in record time. A bit of a contentious meeting but at least somewhat productive, and there was a random dude giving away leftover pizza in the building lobby! Big shoutout to questionably-sourced free food on campus, don’t know what I’d do without it. 8:00 PM Homework, again in bed in PJs. In between assignments I browse for french presses online, deciding that I really need to do something about my daily coffee purchasing habit. I had another french press but it was a cheap plastic thing that barely worked. Find a really nice, expensive one on 50% off sale with free shipping, decide to buy it. I sign up for text alerts from Williams Sonoma to get an additional 15% off. Immediately unsubscribe the second I place the order. $45.86 Daily Total: $61.65 Tuesday 9:00 AM Alarm goes off and I get up after browsing my phone for a few minutes, then make it to the bus by 9:15. In case you couldn’t tell by the times, my morning routine is pretty minimal- I never wear makeup to class and 90% of my outfits consist of leggings and sweaters. Nothing against makeup or looking nice (mad respect to all the girls that show up to class in cute outfits), I’m just extremely lazy and will do anything to maximize time spent in bed. 9:30 AM Coffee again, this time at a different coffee shop on campus. Also splurge on an egg sandwich- my favorite breakfast on earth $7.00 (tax free on campus card) 9:45 AM The start of my non-stop day of class and work and meetings- I have a morning class, then work for three hours, and then an afternoon class. I try to eat breakfast on Tuesdays and Thursdays because I don’t have time for lunch. 4:45 PM I finish my last class and head to a lecture by the same speaker I saw yesterday. The talk is good but mostly a repeat, and I mistakenly thought that there would be a reception with free food at the end. Head home disappointed and very hungry. 6:45 PM Devour an entire box of Kraft Dinner and am horrified with myself when I realize that it’s 3 servings. Work my way through readings and literature reviews until I get tired around 11:30. Daily Total: $7.00 Wednesday 6:30 AM Early morning conference call with research collaborators on the other side of the world. Time differences suck. The call lasts 45 minutes and it’s too late to go back to sleep so I get dressed and head to the bus. 8:00 AM I definitely need coffee after my early wake-up, so I head to a campus cafe to fill up my mug before class. $2.12 (tax free on campus card) 8:40 AM Class. 10:00 AM I have a super long break on Wednesdays between my first and second class so I’m planning on heading downtown to my favorite food truck for lunch, but when I put the key in the ignition may car won’t start. Awesome. I panic-text my dad, which is generally my first response to any car-related problems, but he doesn’t know what’s wrong and tells me to call AAA. I call them and heat up some hash browns since I haven’t eaten anything yet and wait for them to arrive since I’m not sure I’ll be able to make it downtown for my planned lunch. In a surprising turn of events, they come in record time to jump my battery, but tell me that it’s on its last legs and I probably need to get it replaced soon. I make a note to call around for prices and work that into my monthly budget. 12:00 PM After leaving the car running for an hour in the driveway I finally head out to the food truck. They have literally the best pasta I’ve ever tasted, I usually just ask the owner to make me whatever he wants and it’s always delicious. Today is no exception. $12.00 12:30 PM While I’m eating my pasta I get a notification that my afternoon professor is sick and has canceled class. I choose to view this as the universe’s apology for the car battery, and go home to chill and get some work done. 6:00 PM Wake up completely disoriented to my project group chat blowing up and realize that I fell asleep while doing work and have taken an unexpected four-hour nap. Quickly send a text to my project team letting them know that I’m not actually ignoring them but was just asleep, and that I’ll start working on my part of the paper ASAP. Feel the need to get out of bed so I get dressed and head over to the campus community center close to my apartment. 6:30 PM I settle in to start doing work and grab a quick dinner from the cafe in the community center. I’m not really hungry but all I’ve eaten today is carbs, so I feel kinda gross and can tell that my body needs something veggie-like. Mediterranean chicken power bowl and sugar-free gatorade, $11.54 (tax free on campus card) 9:30 PM The fire department shows up and announces that they’re about to start testing the alarms (really? at 9:30 PM?) so I take that as my cue to head home. Realize I still need to watch a video and write a reflection on it, suffer through the most boring hour-long video I’ve ever seen and head (back?) to bed around midnight. Daily Total: $25.66 Thursday 9:15 AM I love Thursdays, it’s the first day of the week I can truly sleep in! Put on a slightly nicer outfit since I have a business-casual seminar later today. I can dress nicely when I need to, but I’m not gonna be happy about it. Realize too late that my cropped pants show off my unshaved, pasty white calves. Ugh. 9:45 AM Take the bus to campus and grab a coffee before class, and see that the cafe has brought back their delicious lemon-poppyseed scones so I grab one of those too. I notice that my next coffee is free through their rewards program! I’m already dreaming of what kind of crazy expensive drink concoction I’ll get with my free reward. $6.35 11:30 AM I’m still weirdly hungry, so I pick up a hummus and pretzel snack before work and eat it in the office while emailing the financial aid office to set up a meeting to discuss my loan options. $3.99 2:30 PM In between work and class I text a few friends to see if they want to come with me to watch our school’s women’s hockey team in their tournament this weekend. One says yes, so I buy my ticket and plan to meet her on Saturday. $5.00 6:30 PM Classes are over for the week! I run into a few people from my program at an event at the grad student center, and they introduce me to the people they’re with. I eat dinner and have a beer with them (free, since it’s for an event). I’m new to the program and don’t really know anyone, but most people have been really great with including me in the social life of the department. I’m a little worried about making friends since all of my undergrad friends graduate at the end of this semester and I’ll be on campus for another year. 8:00 PM Home, I work on an annoying paper I’ve been putting off all week and send out some internship applications before finishing my night with a few sports podcasts. Daily Total: $15.34 Friday 9:00 AMI don’t have class on Fridays, so I get to sleep in. Wake up for a conference call with my project team, my headphones stop working halfway through which is a pain so I might have to replace them soon. Head out to the bus around 11:15, and grab a coffee on my way to work $2.26, tax-free on campus card 11:45 Grab pretzels and hummus again to eat at the office, snacks are discounted at the office cafe on Fridays! On my way back from the cafe I run into a girl walking a huge group of puppies (my university has a vet school, so this is amazingly a common occurrence), who are all apparently up for adoption. I make myself a few minutes late for work because I can’t stop petting them, but it’s totally worth it. $3.19 4:30 PM Home and done with my day! My french press has arrived, but I decide to wait until tomorrow to test it out. I realize I haven’t eaten anything except coffee and pretzels all day, so I make some pasta for a quick snack anticipating that I’ll eat something more substantive later. Sit down with my pasta and immediately get a notification that I’ve been rejected from my top-choice internship. What a way to start the weekend… 9:00 PM Spend the rest of the night lazing around my apartment and eating everything in sight. Frozen pineapple straight out of the bag, roasted chickpeas with yogurt sauce, cereal, etc. I obviously need to go grocery shopping cause I don’t have anything to put a real meal together. 11:00 PM Check my running “to buy” list that I keep on my phone, which is basically just a list of things that I plan on buying but don’t need urgently (hello, weighted blanket…). I check my bank account and realize today was payday, so I decide that I can cross “replacement makeup” off the list. I lost my makeup bag a few months ago in the airport but it was a blessing in disguise because everything was old and would probably have given me pinkeye at some point. $55.17 for mini sizes of primer, eyeshadow, eyebrow pencil, and eyeliner + promo code for a free mini mascara from Sephora Daily Total: $60.62 Saturday 10:00 AM Wake up. I decide to test out my french press instead of going out for coffee. The first batch is way too weak so I toss it, and the second batch isn’t much better. Drink the second batch because I don’t want to waste it, but I definitely need to work on coffee/water ratios. I fill it up again with cold water and set it in the fridge to make cold brew for tomorrow morning. 12:00 PM There’s a shop downtown that does “cinnamon roll saturdays”, and I have to go. I end up being their first customer right when they open at noon, which is a little embarrassing but I’m dedicated to the cinnamon roll life. $3.50 12:15 Text my friend about picking her up for the hockey game, she tells me she doesn’t think she can go anymore. Oh well. I still really want to go, and since I have some time to kill now that I don’t have to pick her up, I stop by the gas station. That hour that I had to leave the car idling after AAA jumped the battery has left me with about a quarter tank. $31.07 1:00 PM Hockey time! It’s a great game, even sitting by myself. My team wins, so I buy a ticket to their championship game tomorrow. Text two of my friends and they both want to come, so we make plans to meet up. $5.00 5:00 PM After a few hours of just chilling at home and finishing an assignment (curse professors who make papers due on weekends!) I overhear my roommate on the phone inviting her friends over for dinner. Her friends are very loud and I want no part of that, so I gather my things and make plans to study and work on campus for the next few hours. As I head out my roommate texts me to confirm if she can have some people over for dinner, saying that it’ll be no longer than two hours. Sure, whatever. I grab my reusable grocery bags, thinking that I should stop by the store on my way home since I’m not really feeling another dinner of frozen pineapple and chickpeas… 6:00 PM I wind up in an on-campus restaurant, where I order a caesar salad and a side of fries (the chipotle aioli they come with is to die for). Eat while writing some cover letters. $20 with tip, charged to tax-free campus credit account that I’ll pay off with my next bill 8:30 PM Head to the grocery store. I only do my grocery shopping after 8 PM, since it gets insanely crowded at all other times. The store is open 24/7 though, which is super convenient for a student schedule! Buy my groceries which should last for the next week and half/two weeks and stock up on household supplies. I do the vast majority of the cleaning supply/toilet papepaper towel purchasing which isn’t exactly equal but it’s not something I’m gonna start a fight over. I’m also more of a clean freak than most people so I understand that that’s something I need to pay for. My roommate does most of the arguing with our shitty landlord, which is something I’m willing to pay in exchange for not having to do. $107.83 9:30 PM Get home and there are seven high and drunk girls in my apartment. This is not what I agreed to. I put my groceries away and hole up in my room for the rest of the night, hoping that they leave. They don’t, but I eventually fall asleep anyways around midnight. Daily total: $167.40 yikes Sunday 9:00 AM Wake up to the sound of loud conversation. THERE ARE STILL THREE RANDOM PEOPLE IN MY APARTMENT! This might be something I need to bring up with my roommate but I’m super non confrontational so I’m dreading that convo. I grab the french press cold brew from the fridge, it’s definitely better than the hot batches I made yesterday. Drink that and heat up some hash browns and an english muffin with peanut butter for breakfast/lunch. 1:30 PM The people in my apartment are still here. What the actual fuck. I head out to pick up my friends for the hockey game, and we arrive at the rink just in time. I buy some nachos during the first intermission. The team unfortunately loses in overtime :( Their season isn’t over though, so I’ll get to see them play again next weekend along with my school’s men’s team! $6.00 5:00 PM Back home. All of the random people have finally gone. My roommate and I run into each other in the kitchen, and she apologizes for her friends being loud last night. Non-confrontational me just laughs and says “No problem, don’t worry about it!” even though I want to tell her to not have people over that late again. I get half an hour of peace before another random person shows up, and they watch loud youtube videos and do homework together in the living room. ughhhhhhh. 7:30 PM I cook an egg sandwich and some roasted broccoli. Not really a traditional dinner, but sometimes you just need a good egg and cheese. 9:00 PM Finish up an assignment and fall asleep around 11:30. Daily Total: $6.00
WEEKLY TOTAL: $343.63
Food and Drink: $192.84
Entertainment: $10.00
Home and Health: $45.86
Clothes and Beauty: $55.16
Transportation: $31.07
Other: $8.73
Reflection: This was a very high-spend week for me. I saw the total and freaked out, so I went back to my bank statements to make sure this wasn’t something I was doing every week— luckily it’s not, my average weekly spend is about $150. The food spending was especially high this week, according to my Wegmans app the next highest amount I’ve ever spent on groceries was $83.04. To be fair, some of the expensive things in this grocery run were cleaning and sanitizing supplies that I probably should have broken out into other categories— I’m a bit panicked about COVID-19. My university just shut down for the spring semester and is moving to entirely online classes. I’m staying in my apartment since I have a lease and don’t want to lose money, so I’ll be working from there. I’ll be redirecting my spending to support local businesses as much as I can over the next few months, since they’ll be hit HARD by students leaving early and need all the help they can get. This will likely mean more spending on food and meals out, I am reworking my YNAB budgets to account for this.
We fade into the scene, and see an empty parking lot, a black limousine pulling up outside of the venue. The Limo takes up a few empty spaces as it parks in the lot. The limousine driver exits the driver's seat, and walks over to the back of the limo, opening the door for none other than Big Money Maverick, who steps out of the limo wearing his suit, with a gym bag over his shoulder and aviator sunglasses on, despite the fact that it's barely sunny outside. Suddenly, Mav is approached by Chad Hammocks, with a mic in hand. Chad Hammocks: Maverick…..Big Money Maverick, can I ask a question? Big Money Maverick: You just asked one... Chad Hammocks: What? Big Money Maverick: Nevermind, what do you want? Mav starts walking towards the building, as Chad follows with his mic. Chad Hammocks: At Pyramid of Blood, you and the Cash Money Collective made a statement by interfering- Big Money Maverick: Yes, me and the CMC interfered in the Main Event, we put WiR on notice, and we proved that we're the most elite group of men in WiR today, Hammocks. Wherever the CMC goes, money follows, and you'd best believe we're gonna be making some money moves REAL soon… Chad Hammocks: Well, despite the fact that you lost the Big Money Invitatio- Big Money Maverick: I was CHEATED out of the Big Money Invitational! The Big Money Invitational was STRICTLY for local Canadian talent! Mark Dutch is not a local talent, he's a slut for glory, and he just wanted to weasel his way into the tournament to catch me off guard! As far as i'm considered, Dutch stole a spot from a potential local talent, who could've really benefitted from a chance at that prize money. Dutch is a no-good spotlight-hogging son of a bitch! Chad Hammocks: Be that as it may, lets talk about the Steel Pipe sent to you by Brendan Byrne during the iPPV. Despite the looming threat of Brendan Byrne in your head that night, in the main event amongst the chaos, you two were just a few meters apart, and Byrne simply didn't go after you or seem to target you. Big Money Mav looks a bit confused. Big Money Maverick:....wait, Byrne wasn't out there, Hammocks. What are you on about? Chad Hammocks: Yeah, he was. Big Money Maverick:.....nuh-uh……. Chad reaches into his pocket, quickly pulling his phone out and going to YouTube, where he finds a clip of the multi-man chaos at the end of Pyramid of Blood. We clearly see Byrne and Mav about 8 feet away from each other in the sea of people, but Byrne doesn't seem concerned with Mav at all, while Mav doesn't realize Byrne is even nearby. Big Money Maverick: That…..that can't be right, he's gotta be coming for me…..he's gotta be! Big Money Mav's eyes widen. Big Money Maverick: Or….maybe not?....What in the hell?..... Mav stands looking concerned and confused, while Chad continues to interview him. Chad Hammocks: Well, onto my final question, Maverick. Erm, Big Money Maverick, sir. What are you doing here at the show, when you haven't been scheduled for a match? Mav tries to snap himself out of his deep, pondering thoughts regarding Byrne. He shakes it off as he answers the question. Big Money Maverick:...wow Hammocks, how observant you are. Yes, I don't have a match scheduled for tonight, but I….I have a damn good reason to be here. As you know, that Slapnut Super Dutch stole 5 grand from me at the iPPV. Thanks to that lowlife, I lost some money, so tonight, I plan to do what I do best, and MAKE some money, ya dig? Hammocks: And…..how exactly do you plan to do that? Big Money Maverick: You see, Chad, I have a big announcement to make here tonight. But before I get to that announcement, I'd like to talk to you all about RAID: Shadow Legends™, one of the biggest mobile role-playing games today, and it's totally free to play! Mav looks straight into the camera. Big Money Maverick: Almost 10 million users have joined RAID over the last six months, and it's one of the most impressive games in its class with detailed models, environments and smooth 60 frames per second animations! Hammocks: Wha-....what does this have to do with the announcement? Big Money Mav continues to talk and walk towards the venue, as if he didn't hear a word Hammocks says Big Money Maverick: All the champions in the game can be customized with unique gear that changes your strategic buffs and abilities! The dungeon bosses have some ridiculous skills of their own and figuring out the perfect party and strategy to overtake them is a lot of fun! Currently with over 300,000 reviews, RAID: Shadow Legends™ has almost a perfect score on the Play Store! The community is growing fast and the highly anticipated new faction wars feature is now live, you might even find my squad out there in the arena! Chad Hammock: Are you….doing a paid sponsorship?.... Big Money Maverick: So go ahead and check out my page on WiR.com to find out more about RAID: Shadow Legends™. There, you will find a link to the store page and a special code to unlock all sorts of goodies. Using the special code, you can get 50,000 Silver immediately, and a FREE Epic Level Champion as part of the new players program, courtesy of course of the RAID: Shadow Legends™ devs. Good luck, and i'll see you there! Big Money Mav walks through a door leading to the venue, leaving Hammocks outside, with his mic in hand, flabbergasted. Chad Hammocks: What in the-.......what about the announcement?...... Chad sighs, and tries to open the same door Mav went inside through, but the door doesn't open. Hammocks: Uh oh…. Chad tries to open the door again, and pulls as hard as he can, slowly realizing he's locked outside. Hammock:....great…..just great….. Hammocks continues to stand out in the parking lot, flabbergasted and frustrated as we fade away. We then cut to our venue as we get a panning shot inside McMorran Place in Port Huron, Michigan! An excited crowd on hand, as we cut over to our commentary duo. Paisner: Hello WiR Viewers across the world! I’m Allen Paisner- Woodbridge: And i’m Mark Woodbridge! Paisner: And welcome to our first show following Pyramid Of Blood, and what a show it is! We’ll see pay-per-view fallout between Joey McCarty and Andrew Garcia, the runner ups in our independent title match looking to re-gain key momentum, a clash of two powerful and accomplished wrestlers in Kaitlyn Casey Jones vs Alex Perilmorde, both looking to redeem from recent slumps! A youth tag match featuring big lads Hugo Ironblood and Hank Harrison, plus their smaller, but equally talented partners in anime protagonist Cam’Ron West, and general fucko, Jim Baker. We have Dick Dover looking to show he’s still worthy of title contention, as he faces off against Tony “El Hijo De Milkman” Stevens! Looking to show an unorthodox wrestlers does not at all mean a bad one! And of course, our main event for the WiR World Championship, as Ikbal Rizwan gets his title re-match for losing the QWF Title, with a chance to pry the now unified championship from Kyle Scott’s hands! But first, we got a new debut, the wrestler we acquired by trading Josh Pine, their debut is coming up right this moment, as we cut to Javier in the ring! Javier: The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL, and it has a 15 minute time limit. Your official for this contest is Mia So Hung. Introducing first, from Newport News, Virginia... they weighed in tonight at 130 pounds... RAVEN VAN LOUPE! Raven’s theme hits the arena, as they walk disinterestedly out from backstage. The crowd reaction is initially mixed, but quickly dissolves into a shower of booes. Paisner: Van Loupe seemingly very defensive around this crowd, and perhaps for good reason. I know there are a lot of wrestling fans who aren’t going to appreciate their, well, very existence. Woodbridge: Yes, but here at WiR we’re far more liberal than that! Paisner: ...I mean, we have quite a few aggressively Communist bastards here, I can’t fault them for being cautious. Van Loupe gets into the ring, and glowers at the audience for a moment, before their music fades out. Javier: And their opponent, from Houston, Texas, he weighed in tonight at 245 pounds... HEX! Tthe epitome of mid-2000s EA Games bands[(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_RYBDTnS7dg) hits the arena, and Hex bursts from behind the curtain. Crowd: YAAAAAAAY! Paisner: Hex is here, and he’s ready to fight, be it a man, a woman, or none of the above! Woodbridge: I... someone told Hex who he was fighting, right? Paisner: ...probably. Hex charges into the ring, and rushes down Raven, immediately going into his brawling to the cheers of the audience. Mia is startled by the fire, but immediately calls for the bell! Paisner: OH! Hex is so ready to go he starts before the bell even rings! DING DING DING Hex takes advantage early off this flurry of blows, and although Raven seems ready to scrab, they just can’t overcome the 100+ pound weight difference. Hex bullies his opponent into the corner, and biels them halfway across the ring, before following up with a running clothesline! Van Loupe hits the mat hard, and Hex continues the assault with some ground and pound Steve Austin punches! Paisner: Hex starting off hot here, taking the fight to one of our newest rookies! Woodbridge: Hex has been around the block a couple times, Allen! He knows his game, and how best to play it. Mia checks Van Loupe’s state, and then reprimands Hex for throwing closed fists, but misses Loupe’s retaliatory eye poke! Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOO! Hex staggers back, and they take advantage of the daze by kipping up and catching Hex with a running bulldog! Hex hits the mat hard, but pops up quickly, right into a springboard moonsault from Loupe! They go for an early cover! Paisner: Impressive athleticism from Van Loupe there, and a early pin! Woodbridge: They’re looking to finish this match off from the word go 11 2! Hex kicks out at two, powering Loupe across the ring, but is obviously dazed. He gets up, and immediately tries hooking Loupe up for a vertical suplex, hoping to daze them long enough to recover! Loupe is wise to this, however, and they slip out of the suplex at full vertical, sliding behind Hex and taking him down with a smooth neckbreaker! Crowd: BOOOOOOOO! Paisner: Nice reversal! Raven seems to have complete control of this match all of a sudden! Hex is a little slow to stand, which is an issue for him, as it gives Loupe time to measure and springboard off the ropes, planting him with a springboard cutter! Woodbridge: And a huge cutter! Hex is out! Hex bounces onto his back, and lies limply as Raven clambers up the ropes, before leaping off with a 450 and planting both knees into Hex’s sternum! They roll off Hex, before spinning around for an academic cover! 1! 2! 3! DING DING DING Crowd: BOOOOOOO! Javier: And your winner, at a time of 3:23... RAVEN VAN LOUPE! Raven jerks their arm away from Mia when she tries to raise it, and walks backstage, leaving a confused Mia and an unconscious Hex in their wake! Paisner: Raven with an impressive victory here tonight, but they don’t want to stay and hear the crowd boo over it. Woodbridge: Normally, I’d say that was selfish, and it still is here, but I kinda get it. We cut backstage, where we see the set of Baker’s Kitchen somewhere backstage, Baker seated, and ready to go. Jim Baker: Hello and welcome to the second episode of the Baker's Kitchen and today I hate it as much as I love it our guest, the MilkMan. Enter Milkman hits through the $5 portable speaker he bought at a local craft store 10 minutes ago, and placed on set, as Tony makes his way into camera shot MilkMan: Lemme tell ya, Baker, it is an honor to be here. As everyone knows, you can't bake without milk! Jim Baker: That you can not so anyways first question after we had our debut matches at Pyramid Of Blood which you did, win, is there anything you have to say about that show? MilkMan: Well, Baker, for starters, you were a hell of an opponent. Tony offers his hand to Baker for a handshake which Baker accepts MilkMan: And I was thrilled to make my WiR debut, however, I couldn't have done it without the support of all of the Milk Maniacs, as well as Cam. He helped too. I think he still has no idea where he is, though. Jim Baker: True I'm not sure if Cam even knows his name but let's go from the beginning to the future what are your plans going forward? The Milkman takes out a flask, and takes a chug. The camera picks up a drip of white liquid fall to the floor, and his eyes lose their luster for a second, before they light up again as he looks at the camera MilkMan: Well, Jimbo, The Milkman is a simple man. I'm always for a good old fashioned scuffle with anybody who wants to step up and get it... also... I need to pay off my student debt, so please, book The Milkman. Jim Baker: We all want to get booked so we can collect a paycheck, are there any specific wrestlers you want to fight? MilkMan: I'm gonna let the world know right now, Baker- I fucking despise that excuse for a man who is Joey McCarty. Him and his squad of goons are everything wrong with wrestling, and I'm gonna kick his ass. Jim Baker: I agree, just remember if anything goes wrong and you need backup I'm here to help next question what's with the milk obsession? MilkMan: I sell milk to pay off my student debt. I need to advertise somehow. Tony fires down another drink from his milk flask Jim Baker: So in a bit of a rut for money so what are your opinions on the best wrestler in the world, ahem me? MilkMan: Well, Jim, while you put up a fight and a half, I can't call you the best yet. I'm biased towards a certain Indy Darling I'm dating, but if I didn't believe I was the best, I wouldn't be lacing up these boots every night, and giving everything I have, representing the common man, fighting for every person in that audience, and everybody who has ever felt overlooked, and I'm here to bring honor back between those ropes. Jim Baker: I do respect that is there anybody you look up to in this company? MilkMan: That's a very hard question to answer. Your next tag partner, Cam is just... lost. Pyramid of Blood's proved that everybody is only out for themselves, except maybe Romero. He seems like a nice guy. Met him in the catering section. Jim Baker: Speaking of catering, what's your favorite flavor of milk? Some people like chocolate, some strawberry, whole milk, two percent you know what's yours? MilkMan: All milks are created equal, but some, are more equal than others" Upon saying this, "Tony pulls out a previously unseen quart of strawberry milk* The strawberry only comes out on special occasions, my friend Jim Baker Ok final question, what is the best talk show in WiR? MilkMan The Milkman is not well versed in WiR talk shows, because he doesn't give a damn about what any of these scrubs, aside from Baker, I respect you. Jim Baker Well thank you for coming to the show, and I hope to talk to you in the future! Paisner: Alright, we’re back ringside, and ready for more actio- Before Paisner can finish his sentence, the sound of metal clanging like a bunch of cooks slamming their pots and pans together emerges from the crowd along with cheers to it. Woodbridge: Seems like the crowd is ready to rumble! Paisner: I didn’t know our crowd contained robots.. wait, look! The camera shifts to two figures walking around outside of the ring. One kicking around unused chairs while the other one throws them against the walls of the building, each one clanging against it as small pieces of the drywall crumbled to the floor. Paisner: That’s Super Dutch and Blackwater! D&B! Woodbridge: But why are they throwing stuff around? Is Dutch trying to knock it down in hopes of finding a hill and Blackwater’s looking for drinks? Paisner: Possibly. After a few more chairs have been kicked and thrown, they begin to make their way to the ring. Blackwater takes each drink given to him and throwing it back while Dutch throws handed cups around into the crowd, soaking them with drinks. Once reaching the barricade, Dutch jumps over while Blackwater crawls onto the barricade before falling down on the side. Woodbridge: pssh. Amateur. Blackwater’s already drunk Dutch quickly snatches away a microphone and slides into the ring, striking a superhero pose by the ropes while Blackwater climbs onto the stairs using all 4 hands to keep his balance before stumbling into the ring. Dutch raises the microphone to his lips while Blackwater raises his body up to his two feet, using the ropes ofcourse. Dutch: PAAIISNER! WE WANT TO FIGHT! Paisner: Oh no. Blackwater lunches for the microphone, Dutch taking a step back immediately causing him to stumble back to the mat. He accepts defeat and stays there while Dutch does the non-slurred talking. Dutch: It’s been weeks.. WEEKS since Louis and I had ourselves a proper brawl in this very ring! We might develop ring rust! Blackwater: Yeah! Blackwater lays there, using Dutch’s leg to get to atleast his knees, which is a victory of its own. Dutch: We need to protect the world from the evildo’ers, or we will get us someone! Paisner gets a microphone in his hand while D&B look over at him, ready to put the show in showtime. Paisner: Calm down you two! You’re scaring Tai! The camera cuts to Tai Ni Wong, crawled partially under the ring with just his two feet poking out from under it. We then cut back to D&B looking back, waiting for an answer. Paisner: I might let you fight, but i’m not going to let Blackwater fight drunk! You guys did that before already! Dutch and Blackwater remember their Gordon Solie Drunken Deathmatch from House Party 100 which actually created D&B. Who knew alcohol would bring two people together to kick ass? Paisner: How about this? Next week, you two will have a match. Now would you guys please leave this ring and let the show go on? D&B look at one another, not sure what to think. But hey, a fight’s a fight. Their faces light up and Dutch looks back at Paisner. Dutch: Deal! Dutch then turns to Blackwater, seeing he’s close to passing out from the drinks kicking in. Using his foot, Dutch rolls Blackwater over to the apron before jumping out himself, taking Blackwater over his shoulder and walking him down to the barricade. Meanwhile, Tai crawls out from under the ring and peeks his head around his voice barely heard over the microphones. Tai: Are they gone? Once Dutch reaches the barricade, he drops Blackwater over, letting him fall over like a bag of potatoes. But Blackwater doesn’t even respond to that fall. Dutch grabs Blackwater’s feet and drags Blackwater along, waving out to the crowd as the show can now finally continue in peace. We pan across a large empty break room, sparsely adorned with decorations as we now lay eyes on Stephen Romero, who is setting up colorful decor throughout the room. He is putting down tablecloths when, in the background, we see the ‘fro and the head it’s attached to peek around the cracked door. He notices Romero and lights up as he now clears his throat and knocks on the door despite already being halfway in the room. Romero turns around and notices Buster. Greeting him with a lack of enthusiasm on his face. Romero: Oh. Hey. It’s you. Buster looks taken aback as he grabs a plastic cup from the table and serves himself some water from a nearby water cooler. Buster: Romero! My man! My brotha! My ni- Romero: I’m kind of busy right now, would you mind getting to the point? Buster takes a sip from the water and takes a step towards Romero. Buster: Hey. Us Africans have to stick together. Listen to one another. Y’know? Don’t let- Buster pauses to put a hand on the massive shoulder of Romero and massage it. Buster: My word. What a specimen. Nearly 400 pounds of whatever those white ghoulish higher ups convince you I’m not worthy of your trust. I just wanna help you out. Speaking of, what’s going on in here? Romero: I’m setting up for our WiR pride party- Buster does a spit take of water all over Romero. Buster: WOAAAHH- You’re gay? Romero wipes the spit and water off his brow as he looks very annoyed at Buster. Romero: Bisexual, to be clear. Now, the hell do you want? Buster: Hey, hey, just wanted to find you so I could tell you that, if you ever need help, just know your fellow negro has your back, brotha. Peace be with you. Buster backs out and dips out of the room as Romero rolls his eyes, before Buster briefly slides back in the room, and grabs a pin with a design on it.. Buster: I dont know what this is but it’s got a ballin ass fist so I’m takin it. Buster disappears once again through the door. COMMERCIAL We return from break, as Austin Balandran’s theme hits. Already the crowd begins to boo. Austin comes walking out, alone. Wearing a suit, he walks like nothing happened. He looks around, and then makes his way to the ring. Paisner: Well folks we’ve been having a very interesting edition of House Party so far, and now here comes Austin Balandran, surprisingly enough by himself. Woodbridge: Love the man, or hate him, he did put up a great fight, but at the end of the day, Stephen Romero proved that money can't buy you everything. As Austin enters the ring, the music cuts out. The fans are letting him know exactly what they feel. Crowd: YOU TAPPED OUT! YOU TAPPED OUT! Crowd: FUCK YOU AUSTIN! clap clap clapclapclap FUCK YOU AUSTIN! clap clap clapclapclap Austin calmly grabs a microphone. He then begins to speak. Balandran: If I had the money, I’d pay you all to shut up, but unlike myself, you all aren’t happy with some, you want all. So shut your mouths. The crowd boos louder. Austin continues. Balandran: Now, I’m not one to come out here, and make excuses. Matter of fact, the only excuse here, is that sorry excuse for a wrestler, Stephen Romero who somehow was able to pick up the win over me. But I’m not here to focus on that. Romero’s time will come again, and I will prove, in due time, that I am in fact, better. Boos ring in again. Austin ignores them, continues. Balandran: Now, I would like to address some work that I’ve been doing behind the scenes. And no, it has nothing to do with Ballsweat. Although, be on the lookout for BS 2.0, coming very soon to concession stands near you. Woodbridge: Allen? Paisner: It was a lot of money, don’t shoot me. Austin continues, having the crowd settled down a bit. Balandran: You know, I’ve been alluding to an announcement since my loss. I’ve been noticing around here in WiR that unless you have a sob story like Romero, or if you’re somehow tied to the Russian government, you really don’t have any way of getting around here. I think it’s safe to say that since I’ve returned to WiR, that there’s guys in the back waiting to come entertain you all. Scattered applause, Balandran continues. Balandran: I mean, I guess this is a shoot now, but half of the talent you see in the main event, are just battered old vets that have no right of holding spots reserved for rookies, and they have to steal gimmicks from the younger guys to stay relevant. Austin looks right into the camera. Balandran: Ain’t that right, Big Money Mav? Crowd starts to agree a bit louder. Balandran: Only difference is my money’s real. You’re still living in some hick ass trailer park outside of Laredo, Texas. Crowd groans. Balandran continues. Balandran: But I’m not here to pick fights, and this isn’t even about me. It’s about talent that has to beg to even be on the card, then that little bastard sitting at ringside has to say “Sorry bud, you didn’t make it.” Crowd boos again. Paiser: I’m gonna go up there. Woodbridge: Allen, hold on, I got you. Austin continues. Balandran: Me only having one match wasn’t by design, it was on purpose. That little bastard didn’t want me upstaging any of his home grown talent. Much like a lot of the new guys that are coming in. Hence bringing me to my announcement. I would like to introduce a few of the guys you may have seen only a handful of time. Then Doping Hornets play over the P.A. Out walks Mercenaire, also wearing a suit. Crowd is getting confused. Paisner: What on Earth is going on, Mark? Woodbridge: Balandran’s going to have hell to pay, that’s for sure. Mercenaire enters the ring, shakes Balandran’s hand. They both look to the entrance then [Iron Man](youtubelink) plays as Marshall Wheeler comes from the curtain, wearing his usual wrestling gear. Paisner: First Mercenaire, now Wheeler. What in the hell, Mark? Where does Austin Balandran get off thinking that these two men are underappreciated? Woodbridge: I mean he’s got a point, Paisner. Have you seen much from these guys? I’m sure there’s more to it than just appearances. Paisner: That son of a bitch called me out, Mark! How is there more to it? Woodbridge: Just calm down, Allen. Wheeler enters the ring, shakes Mercenaire’s hand, then Balandran’s hand. They both stand next to each other as Austin motions towards the curtain again. Then Gun by CHVRCHES plays. Raven Van Loupe comes walking, also still in their wrestling attire. They enter the ring, shaking hands with Wheeler, Mercenaire, and finally Balandran. Austin finally speaks.. Balandran: These people here...they are what the future of WiR looks like. They are what this company should be behind. Austin walks to the front of Mercenaire. Balandran: Mercenaire. Dangerous outside of the ring, as well as in the ring. He should be in contention at least for the Independent Title. Tell me something, Merc, have you recieved any kind of real opportunity here? Mercenaire: Non, monsieur. Balandran: For those of you uneducated, he said no. Crowd turns on Balandran and boos again. Austin then walks towards Wheeler. Balandran: Marshall Wheeler. A literal unit of a man. The axiomatic number one contender for the WiR Championship...well, maybe number two behind yours truly. Tell me something, Marshall. Has anyone here ever given you an opportunity? Wheeler simply shakes his head. Austin looks at the camera. Balandran: Oh for two. Maybe we’ll have better luck with the latest acquisition, Raven Van Loupe. Austin walks towards Raven, giving a reassuring nod. He continues. Balandran: Raven Van Loupe. Breaking barriers and breaking all the rules. The most non-conformal talent to ever step foot into a ring. Raven, has anyone in your life ever given you an opportunity? Van Loupe: No. Balandran: Matter of fact, you’re only here because Josh Pine was more expensive than you, correct? Van Loupe: Yes. Austin shrugs. The crowd boos. He lifts the microphone up again. Balandran: I rest my case. See, these individuals here, if it wasn’t for me, they wouldn’t have the television time they they’re having right now. As a matter of fact, right now, is the most they’ve ever been on television. So here’s what I did. Since everyone is all about a one for all mindset, I’m instilling a all for one mindset. These three individuals? They’re on my payroll. They’re getting time that they normally wouldn’t get. And the best part about it? It had nothing to do with each and every one of you. The crowd boos louder. Paisner: This is some downright bullshit, Mark are you hearing this? Woodbridge: Yes, Allen, but what can you do at this point? Those individuals have been bought. Austin continues his monologue. Balandran: Now, I refuse to be apart of the declivity of WiR, where everyone is ganging up. However, I’m not so stupid to realize that being a one man power of change is almost impossible. So regardless of where we end up, know this: We will be heard. We will be watching. And when the time is right? We will overcome. Everyone, including Balandran, sticks one arm in the air and raises a middle finger, to be greeted with more boo’s. Balandran’s music hits as they continue to stand. Paisner: Just the blatant disrespect shown by all four, Mark, they’re getting on my last nerve. Woodbridge: Allen it’s okay, I promise. They’ll get theirs, i’m sure of it. We fade to the scene of Big Money Maverick, standing backstage, on his phone playing RAID: Shadow Legends™, most likely because he was paid to. Suddenly, Chad Hammocks, who's sweating through his dress shirt, approaches Mav. Chad Hammocks: Hey Mav, I'm glad I found you. I think you accidentally locked me outside earlier. Mav looks slightly annoyed at the presence of Hammocks. Big Money Mav: Uhhh…...yeah it was an "accident" all right. Chad Hammock: Anyways, now that I've found you, I actually wanted to ask if you had any updates on that big announcement you were going to make later tonight. Big Money Maverick has a slight look of irritation on his face. He puts his phone back in his pocket and turns his full attention to Chad. Big Money Mav: Hey, look here bud, I'll make the announcement when I'm ready to make the announcement. I'm not gonna have a pissant like you rush me. I'm sick of being rushed, and if you’re like me, you’re also sick of paying big money for razors — but you don’t have to. With a monthly subscription to Dollar Shave Club, you get hooked up with an executive razor, some creams and oils, and other goodies. Hammocks: What is- Big Money Maverick: What is Dollar Shave Club? I'm glad you asked. Mav turns to the Camera. Big Money Maverick: Every month, they deliver high quality razors right to your door. Each razor has stainless steel blades and an aloe vera lubricating strip pivot head so gentle a toddler could use it. Dollar Shave club keeps me looking my best without any nicks or cuts. Hammocks: Mav, you have a full beard… Big Money Maverick: Dollar Shave Club keeps me looking good, and they'll take care of you too. Just go to DollarShaveClub .com and enter the promo code "BIGMONEYMAV" at checkout and save 5% off your first month. Hammocks: Mav, can you just tell- Mav's phone starts ringing, Big Money Maverick: Hang on, Chad. I've got someone calling. I'll get back with you in a bit. Mav takes the phone call, and walks away from the interview. Chad stands dejected as he watches Mav walk away, talking on the phone, likely speaking to another sponsor. Chad sighs and lowers his head as we fade away. We cut to our very own Javier Babaganoush, who's standing in the ring. Javier: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the WiR Independent Champion, Santiago Martínez. Run the Jewels starts playing and out comes Martínez, with his title belt draped over his shoulder and with a mic in his hand. He waves and smiles at the fans. Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! Paisner: I'm sure that after a very difficult past month, Santiago's more than excited to see such a reaction from the fans! Woodbridge: I'm sure he is, but this excitement is probably dwarfed in comparison to the one he felt after winning at Pyramid of Blood! He's wearing one of his old merch t-shirts and a pair of gym pants. Not necessarily the fanciest attire, but it's good enough. Martínez, yelling at the camera: This shirt and all the other ones I have on WiR.com! 15% discount if you're a Tier 2+ sub! Get it while you still can! Giving high fives and handing out some more merch to the fans along the way, Martínez makes it to the ring and shakes Javier's hand, who exits the ring while the champion moves to the center. Martínez: Well, well... Good evening, everyone! Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! Martínez: Honestly, I'm very happy to be here in Michigan, to be with you all tonight, and to continue being the Independent champion! Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!.. Martínez: I know my man Chad must be punching the air right now backstage, it's been a while and a half since the last time I've come out here to talk. But I came out here to thank you from the bottom of my heart for sticking with me and the crazy shit I do! Crowd: WOOOOOOO! Martínez: And things seem to be getting crazier right here every week! You've got people attacking each other here and there, there are groups and dangerous alliances forming up. Guys, there's even a new Milkman in town! What the hell is going on? The crowd laughs. Woodbridge: The man has a point, Paisner. This milkfolk thing is getting out of hand! Martínez: So does that mean I have to go crazy as well? I don't know if I have to, but you can be sure that I'll do everything I can to continue defending my title for as long as I can. I had a crazy month with all that Canada nonsense, but it's great to be back and I'm sure we're gonna have a ton of fun this month. Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAY! Martinez: And if there's something that really allows me to believe that can happen, that is the support you've given me. Yeah, I know it's corny as fuck, but I mean it. You know me. You know what I've done, what I can do, and you all know what I was going through at the time a couple of weeks ago. At Pyramid, I hesitated like hell to climb up that ladder, I was beyond terrified that something might happen, but you didn't give up on me, and that's how I ended up spiking the shit out of everyone else involved, 'cause I'm a particularly dumb-ass man. You've helped me out so much I can't even believe it and HEY! WOAH! Two fans start fighting on the front row, a fat guy with a ponytail and a short man with a beer in his hand. Martínez: Ayyy, what's happening? Calm down a little, K? It's just a beer! In the midst of the entire scuffle, a different fan, a large man wearing a hoodie and a lucha mask, quickly jumps over the barricade and slides under the bottom rope. Crowd: OOOOOOOHHHH!!! Martínez: What? Did something else happ-ohhhh… This can't be good. The mysterious man charges at Sparky with this arm out, but the champion drops his mic rolls under and kips back up. The masked fella picks up the mic, while Javier hands Sparky his own mic. Martínez: Well, if that's all you wanted, there you go. A fancy new WiR mic, huh? That'd be an interesting addition to your list of stolen objects, wouldn't it, Bill? The masked man reveals himself to be indeed none other than the former QWF star and tag team icon, "The Pitbull" William Graves. Crowd: OOOOHHHHHHHHHH! Woodbridge: Ooof, that's a name I hadn't seen in a long time! Paisner: Ladies and gentlemen, William Graves is a multi-time world tag team champion, but I haven't got a clue why he is in attendance! Graves: Well, well, well. I have to say, I'm a bit surprised you didn't even doubt it for a second. Martínez: I mean, in a Venn diagram of people who have serious beef with me and people who'd be dumb enough to ambush me like this, you're one of the few who'd be smack dab in the middle. Crowd: OOOOOOOOHHHHH! Graves: Well, I guess I should be flattered. You and I have a lot of unfinished businesses, but that's not precisely why I'm here. I want to talk to you about QWF. Martínez: Why would I want to know about QWF? Graves: SHUT THE FUCK UP! I was in a difficult place, I was going through a rough patch, but I got a call one day, and that was going to be the lifesaver I desperately needed. QWF was going to be the chance for me to prove I'm the best out there! QWF was the next big thing, and I was going to be the face of it all! Yet it all fell apart, people went different ways, better contracts, new gigs all over the world. But William Graves was lost all over again. I came here looking for the QWF title, but it seems like I arrived here a bit too late. Martinez: And I know why… Graves: So it's as simple as this: if I can't get the QWF title, getting my revenge would please me almost as much, and now I think that title of yours could be a good enough replacement. Martínez: So you've come out here to challenge for the Independent Championship? Just like that, with no contract or anything to that effect. Graves: If the dueling glove fits… He inches closer to the champion. Graves: Unless??? Martínez: Unless what? You think I'm scared of you, Bill? You tried to ambush me and you miserably failed! So if you want to do it, I'm down with that. Aye, get me a ref down here. Crowd: YAAAAAYYYYYYY!!! Paisner: Wait, is this really happening? Harry Undersach quickly runs through the curtains and makes his way to the ring. Sparky hands the title to the ref, who raises it in the air. Martínez: Sorry I can't let you do the whole intro, Javier, but I've got a fool to deal with, ASAP. He hands Javier the mic and not wasting any more time, Undersach asks for the bell to be rung. DING DING DING Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! Paisner: It seems like we have a little impromptu match, Mark! Let's have some fun! Woodbridge: Not any match, Paisner. ANOTHER CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH! We have a little unexpected iPPV in our hands, oh boy! Paisner: Who'll make it out of Port Huron with the Coke Belt? We'll have to find out! Graves: Say goodbye to your belt, Santiago. This is my time!
Thanks to COVID-19 we’ve all got a little more time on our hands, and this is something that I’ve been toying with for sometime (idea stolen from others). However, now seems a better time than others to present a bourbon bracket/first time review for a “noob”. So if your looking for classic March Madness comforts like; “Onions!”, “diaper dandies”, “PTPers”, and everyone’s favorite “bracket buster!” ...then stay tuned and see what my drunken ramblings have to offer you! The selection committee is made up of whatever is on my bar cart, and rankings are based off of my perception of that bottle in said region. This is absolutely and art and not a science! Below is our 2020 bracket with regions and play in games: 1.) High Octane 2.) Cinderella’s 3.) Mid-Majors 4.) SBTR (Say-Bye-To-Rye) -High Octane: These are the Blue Bloods that bring the heat year after year. The one and doners. The lottery picks. The “hey I don’t trust the stock market right now, but a government bond sounds like a safe bet for my money!” 1.) Rare Breed (116.8) 2.) Booker’s Beatin’ Biscuits (126.1) 3.) Knob Creek - Kroger’s Pick (120) 4.) Old Forester 1920 (115) Cinderella’s: People May not always give them a chance, but they’ve made it to the dance! These bottles are going to make the most of the experience and are ready to go up against the big dogs. These are the “gym rats”, the “firecrackers”, the “coach’s son”. 1.) Wild Turkey 101 2.) Evan Williams Bottled-in-Bond 3.) Heaven Hill White Label 4.) Jim Beam White Label Mid-Majors: These bottles may not be the biggest hitters in their state (aka product line line), but damn it if they’re not gonna put up a fight and make a run. These are the Gonzaga’s of the West and the Xaviers of the East. They may not always get the recognition, but they’ll earn your respect! 1.) Russell’s Reserve 10 Years 2.) Four Roses Small Batch 3.) Old Forester 1910 4.) Wild Turkey Longbranch (alright, alright, alright) SBTR: Oh so rye is starting to make a come back, and people want to have more rye in their bourbon?! Not in this region!! These are the bourbons that have been doing it with out the draw of rye for years. They’re not focused on gimmicks, or new training methods, or using cryotherapy. They may not have high rye, but don’t mistake that for a lack of heart! 1.) Eagle Rare - DEPS Store Pick / EH Taylor Small Batch...this is a playin game, because I had the bottles and decided so... 2.) Weller Antique 107 / Weller Special Reserve...This is a playin game because I received a bottle of 107 last minute and wanted to include them in the tourney. Luckily the committee signed off on this... 3.) Buffalo Trace 4.) Makers Mark / Makers Mark Cask Strength (109.6)...this is a playin game because I found a bottle of cask strength for $31 and wanted to give Makers a better chance. This is the Bourbon Bracket equivalent to slipping a team some HGH or steroids, but the committee is gonna look the other way. We’ve completed the playin games and those will be posted this weekend. If your interested in following along and betting use promo code “Phuck COVID” to match your deposit amount. Otherwise you know what they say, January, February, Izzo! Don’t worry we’ll sleep in May! IT’S TIME TO DANCE!!
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Hi, I'm a bot. Thankfully, I'm not AutoModerator. My job is just to gather some of the best posts from our neighbors. The intention is to create awareness of the speciality subs that relate to LosAngeles. If you have a suggestion about what other subreddits that I should check out or feedback, please send use the message moderators link on the sidebar.
Hi, I'm a bot. Thankfully, I'm not AutoModerator. My job is just to gather some of the best posts from our neighbors. The intention is to create awareness of the speciality subs that relate to LosAngeles. If you have a suggestion about what other subreddits that I should check out or feedback, please send use the message moderators link on the sidebar.
What A Day: Obstructed In Plain Sight by Priyanka Aribindi & Crooked Media (02/19/19)
"what the fuck is going on"—Ariana Grande/us after a long weekend
Whit's End
According to a new New York Times report, Trump tried to interfere with the federal investigation into Michael Cohen by asking Acting Attorney General Matt Whitaker to put a Trump ally in charge. Geoffrey Berman, the US Attorney for the Southern District of New York, had previously recused himself from the investigation. And while there’s no indication that Whitaker acted on Trump’s request, Whitaker testified before the Senate Judiciary Committee that the White House had never asked him for promises or commitments regarding any investigation. Not so much! Not only did Whitaker mention nothing about receiving this request from Trump, he stated before the committee that "at no time has the White House asked for nor have I provided any promises or commitments concerning the special counsel investigation or any other investigation." House Democrats already wanted Whitaker to return to the Hill to “clarify” his testimony, and are now reportedly weighing whether his statements constitute perjury. As a reminder, federal prosecutors concluded that Cohen committed campaign finance violations—criminal offenses—at the direction of Donald Trump, which means that the president potentially obstructed justice in a case in which he’s been directly implicated. The report also includes details of Trump engaging in intimidation meant to thwart the investigations and scrutiny that have riddled his tenure. Among the reported incidents was Trump instructing then-Press Secretary Sean Spicer to lie to the public about former national security adviser Michael Flynn being fired from the White House, telling him to say Trump had asked for his resignation. “That sounds better,” Trump reportedly said. This isn’t Trump’s first bout with obstruction. The Times reports that Trump has made well over 1,100 public attacks on the Russia investigation. 1,101 if you count the time he yelled at that kid mowing the White House lawn.
Did You See That Thing?
A group of sixteen states sued President Trump over his emergency declaration to build a border wall on Monday, arguing that Trump does not have the power to divert emergency funds towards the wall’s construction because Congress has control over government spending. Of the dozens of emergency declarations made by past presidents in the last 52 years, none has ever been made after Congress rejected funding for the policy in question. Meanwhile, Congress may pursue its own challenge to the declaration after lawmakers return from recess (Feb. 25th) that may result in a separate lawsuit. Lawmakers in the House could also vote to override Trump’s declaration, but it’s uncertain that they have the support they would need from Senate Republicans to override Trump’s likely veto.
What Else
Bernie Sanders announced that he’s running for president in 2020. Sanders already broke the first-day fundraising record among 2020 Democratic candidates, raising more than $4 million. Sanders announced that Faiz Shakir, former national political director of the ACLU, will serve as his campaign manager. Former acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe revealed that none of the bipartisan congressional leaders in the Gang of Eight had any objection when briefed about the FBI opening a counterintelligence investigation into President Trump. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas called for the court to reconsider its decision in New York Times v. Sullivan, a landmark decision for press freedom that required public figures to prove “actual malice” to win libel cases against news outlets. Recently, there has been speculation of Thomas retiring ahead of 2020, which would allow Trump to nominate his successor. Sleep well, America. Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein will reportedly step down in mid-March, following the instatement of newly confirmed Attorney General William Barr. Rosenstein has been overseeing the Mueller investigation since former Attorney General Jeff Sessions recused himself. West Virginia teachers went on strike again over education legislation they say lawmakers created without their input, alleging that they were left out of the process because of their decision to strike last year. Though lawmakers voted to table the bill they oppose, the union will remain on strike tomorrow to ensure that further developments won’t take place. After expelling former cardinal Theodore McCarrick over sexual abuse, Pope Francis and the Vatican are gearing up for a three-day summit about the church’s child sexual abuse crisis. Somehow, Steve Bannon is on the guest list, and he’s expected to play up his pet project of rooting out gay priests. Roger Stone posted an Instagram of the judge presiding over his case next to crosshairs, in his latest effort to get his case reassigned to a different judge, but doing something so stupid could put his bail and gag order at risk. “Roger Stone did nothing wrong,” amirite? Prolific designer Karl Lagerfeld died at age 85. Best known as the creative director of both Chanel and Fendi, Lagerfeld was an icon in the fashion world, but came under fire for his comments against women larger than fashion sample sizes. People are mad because Malia Obama likes rosé and doesn’t like Donald Trump. From Priyanka: NO SHIT SHE DOESN’T LIKE DONALD TRUMP—THE GUY IS RADIOACTIVE TRASH. Khloe Kardashian has reportedly dumped Tristan Thompson for cheating on her with her sister Kylie Jenner’s best friend Jordyn Woods, and this is probably getting cut from the newsletter but it was definitely the biggest news of the day. From Jon Favreau: I’m leaving it in!
Wait, What?
In the weeks following actor Jussie Smollett’s claim that he was the victim of a hate crime in Chicago, claims that the attack was a hoax have spread, with various unnamed police sources alleging that Smollett orchestrated the attack. The story has nestled itself in the intersection of a number of divisive issues—racism, homophobia, distrust of police, distrust of media, and violence motivated by hatred—though many of the details are still unknown to the public. Here’s what we do know: Last week, police arrested two brothers who previously knew Smollett in connection with the attack, recovering “Empire” scripts, a phone, and a black mask in raids of their homes. The brothers were then released without charges by police on Friday (the police did not say why). According to the Chicago police spokesperson, police now want to re-interview Smollett, who has since hired a lawyer (not the same one who represented Michael Cohen, as had been reported incorrectly). Smollett is still not considered a “suspect” by Chicago police at this time, though the FBI and US Postal Service are investigating whether he was involved in sending a threatening letter to himself at the “Empire” studio before the attack.
Under the Radar
The Trump administration announced that it is spearheading a global campaign to end the criminalization of homosexuality in the 72 nations where it’s still illegal to be gay. The effort is meant in part to censure Iran following a reported hanging of a young gay man—the latest in the country’s series of human rights abuses—and to rally support among LGBTQI-friendly European nations against Iran. Trump, however, has also rolled back workplace protections for gay people, and tried to ban transgender people from serving in the military. There is also no word on how this will play out with the Trump administration’s bffs in Saudi Arabia, where homosexuality can be punishable by death. Tldr; Love is love when there’s an ulterior motive involved.
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You've Gotta Be Fucking Kidding Me
Why is the editor of the Democrat-Reporter newspaper in Alabama saying “it’s time for the Ku Klux Klan to ride again” and calling for mass lynchings to “clean out” Washington? And attempting to justify those statements with the fact that some lawmakers want to raise taxes? Literally what the fuck.
The New Dumbest Thing I Have Ever Heard
CNN hired a new political editor, but it appears that they’ve never Googled her. Sarah Isgur, an ex-Trump administration official who served as a spokeswoman for racist Attorney General Jeff Sessions, is joining the network to “coordinate political coverage for the 2020 campaign.” She has previously derided CNN’s coverage and referred to it as the “Clinton News Network,” and has no prior journalism experience.
So, for those of you out of the loop, I've been posting a Shitstorm Secret in the comments section of each Shitstorm video to relative acclaim. Because of dumb internet fuckery which caused a few to be lost, and because I've gotten quite a few requests to do this, please enjoy this collection of each and every Shitstorm Secret this year, from your good friend Bondage-chan! Shitstorm Secrets Vol.1: The two "S" in "Shitstorm" both stand for Santa Claus, the original Elder God, Taker of Women and Devourer of the Unworthy. If he is disrespected, he may curse you to forever carry a full inventory of Koopy. It is said that if one curb-stomps a hamster and allows its syrupy blood to drain into the Fount of St. Nicholas, he will gift them with a sick jetpack, yo. Shitstorm Secrets Vol. 2: The Woolie Hole is actually an elaborate lie propagated by the best friends in a bid to weaken the powers of the Screamlord, Woolie Woolz. A powerful swamp mage and renowned liar, the only way to keep his vile powers at bay is to fight his lies with even harder lies. Shitstorm Secrets Vol. 3: The Shitstorm is actually named to honour the long disbanded war duo told of in ancient legend. During the Celestial Crusade against the bloodthirsty Rage of Africa, war hero Zubaz "The Baz" Baz and his secret twin brother Poobaz joined forces to form the mythical team known only as "The Shitstorm." Alas, only the gods know what became of poor Poobaz. Shitstorm Secrets Vol. 4: In the year 20X-de-X a group of historians from the country of Usta, in their quest to discover the Best Friends' one true weakness, unearthed the long forgotten Book of Zaibatsu in the depths of a collapsed salt mine off the coast of Japan. All but one passage from the tome were destroyed: 「4100億死んだ警官は萌えが生命の本質である。あなたの罪デスデスがそのすべての罰金ビッグボスは世界で最も偉大な兵士であるために悲しむ、あなたはそれを忘れてはいけません。」--Liam 4:10 Shitstorm Secrets Vol. 5: It is a little-known fact that Australia is actually a country of stand users. The claws and fangs of the local Australian wildlife are constructed of the same material as the arrow, and thus, when Australian children undergo the sacred rite of circumcision by drop-bear, they are either unworthy and die, or they develop their stand, for that is the only way a human may survive in the harsh prison-republic of Australia. Hirohiko Araki has noted that Australia was the inspiration for Stone Ocean. Steve Irwin and his stand『CROCODILE ROCK』was one such famous user who passed away during the fight with『STING』. Shitstorm Secrets Vol. 6: The reason for Liam's stunning good looks actually stems from his status as a demigod. One fateful night, Aphrodite courted a lonely Vita and the rest, my friends, was history. The resultant child was Liam (Liam-senpai, to use his full name), ruler of Vita. He possesses the ability to give and take the concept of moe from objects and lifeforms at will. They say that each of his 99 Vita act as a vessel for a fragment of his soul, and thus his body will continuously regenerate until each Vita is obliterated. Shitstorm Secrets Vol. 7: Have you heard the rumor? They say that if you look into your bathroom mirror at midnight exact, spin around three times and whisper a Simpson’s joke to yourself, the chilling visage of a beanie-wearing skull will flash across your mirror for a split second. If you manage to lob an axe into your mirror at that exact moment, you will be invisiblessed and will henceforth be a master gully-gully pilot. Shitstorm Secrets Vol. 8: Some say that there exists an alternate universe. A utopic wonderland in which all is right with the world. A world in which Matt has amazing hair. A world in which Pat is a successful agriculturist. A world in which Woolie is a professional wrestler. A world where Liam makes the anime. In this world, there was never a playthrough of Ultra Despair Girls. Omikron does not exist. Blazblue is every friday. Truly a place of peace and prosperity. But one day, tragedy struck. Back in our universe, James McCloud mounted the world. His glorious member ripped through time and space itself, and through that, they were unceremoniously plucked from their world and thrown here, a cesspit of fartgas and bioslime. A world of Koopy and BioFreaks. Oh, yes… The Ustabiaz have arrived, and they will one day reclaim their place in this cruel, cruel world. Shitstorm Secrets Vol. 9: If you see him, it's already too late. Who is he? What does he look like? Only a select few have lived through their encounters to tell the tale. Historians say his birth was a miracle. His mother, pregnant with child, suddenly developed an incurable sickness that put her life expectancy much earlier than when she was expected to give birth. It was as she was grieving that a doctor tripped over a particularly large four-leaved clover that had grown through the hospital's floor. He fell right onto the woman, and somehow, all of the sickness transferred to him! A few months later, and out he came, the child that could have anything he wished without so much as raising a finger. Much like the famous vampire of yore, his ear was marked with three moles, a sign of the devil's own luck. He smiled as he slid from the womb, happy and healthy. "Oh boy!" And so, Lucky Ted was born. Shitstorm Secrets Vol. 10: Because of Pat’s status as a Reptilian-Canadian, he is legally inclined to snort a line of crack each day in order to hide his lizardlike appearance. His eyes, however, continue to work like that of a scaled person. He has extra sensitive sight and occasionally mistakes everyday objects for prey, most commonly plastic bags. His eyes are also the fear-center of his body, further explaining his sensitivity and propensity for screaming like a baby. He may also posses the Mystic Eyes of Death Perception. This is unconfirmed. Shitstorm Secrets Vol. 11: For the past two thousand years, the Skeleton Warriors have been fighting a bloody war with the Musculature Brigade. The skeletons were annoyed at how the musculature nation would constantly cling to them and smother their culture, and so Mr. Bones, the big dick OG Skeleton Warrior launched the first ever attack armed with nothing but his six string and his pride. The few on the front lines of that battle testify that Mr. Bones stood front and center atop a hill, his figure caressed by fog and his skull bathed in pale moonlight. His bones dug into the dewey earth below as a he muttered a few words, drifting across the battlefield gently as a springtime mist. "If you must blink, do it now." Shitstorm Secrets Vol. 12: Near the paradise from which the Ustabiaz originates, there exists a much larger dimension. A dimension made entirely up of the planet Earth. Some scholars say that there are approximately 58571 Earths within that dimension. It is a curious thing, and not many are able to ascertain this dimension's purpose. Each Earth is perpetually stopped in the year 1989, and is filled entirely with cops that have been brutally murdered. A mysterious entity known only as "Trash Man" has stepped forward as the culprit, but his whereabouts are unknown. It is truly one of life's greatest mysteries. Shitstorm Secrets Vol. 13: October 34, 1984. Master engineer David Cage finishes production on his magnum opus. A hyper intelligent robot to infiltrate the Best Friends. With the help of reptilian spy Patrick Boivin, Cage creates a perfect replica to take his place whenever the real Pat has to report back. Some say that you can tell which one is the real Pat and which one is PAT-TRON based on the sodium reading in the room. Shitstorm Secrets Vol. 14: The birds are a ploy. Do not trust the birds. Bird squad is out to get you. If you bird up, they have won. Hurry. There is no time. Do not look at the birds. Do not acknowledge the birds. Do not think of Potato Potatord. His memory will only draw you closer to the birds. To those devils. Those thralls of death. Every day they get closer. At the back of my mind. I see their wretched shapes. My brain trembles. God has abandoned this world, and he has left us with nothing. Godspeed, kupo. Shitstorm Secrets Vol. 15: Much like Liam and his 99 Vita Vessels, Woolie's body is merely a container. A husk filled with slime, snakes, and a ghost or two. The husk is controlled by the telepathic suggestions of the true Woolie, a futuristic supercomputer built into the hollow inside of the moon. This ultra-intelligent AI allows the Russian government to gain Canadian intel through the guise of a dreadlocked black weeb. Of course, this supercomputer is what gives Woolie the ability to be a warlock and practice blood magic in the first place, and as mentioned in a past secret, it siphons energy from the strength of his lies. If you ever hear his dreads hissing at you, that's probably the cameras. Shitstorm Secrets Vol. 16: We've had it wrong this whole time. They played us like fools. Like fiddles. Way back, at the start of it all, we made one simple mistake. We took them for their word. Listen. You've been lied to. Cheated. Think back. Think hard. Back when the Zaibatsu first assembled, was it really Matt and Pat? Or was it... Pat? That's right. There never was a Matt. In the start, it was only Pat the lizardspy, Woolie the self-aware Russian-controlled AI swamp mage, and Liam, father of Vita. But they knew. They knew they'd never come into power with just them. They needed a leader. They needed someone that was funny and charming, yet also relatable. A man of the people. And so Pat developed an alternate persona. With his lizardlike vocal cords, he emulated the voice of a second member and posed as this "Matt". For a while, they were able to get by using simple video editing and voice acting. However, when their popularity began to rise, the Zaibatsu realized that Matt would need to be seen in public. They realized that their current method was unsustainable. So Pat staged a coup against David Cage, and stole from him the control panel for PAT-TRON, completely redesigning the bot as a physical representation of this "leader" that they had created. Through his reptilian telekinesis, he is able to control this "Matt" from a distance and make him appear to be a real human being. Appear to act independently. But we now know the truth. There is no Matt. There is only Pat. Shitstorm Secrets Vol. 17: Deep in the screeching wastes of Kentucky--if you deign to venture deep enough--you will find the home of one of the Four Grand Relicts of the great McCloud spacetime-cock incident. When he and his partners were first torn from their world, he made the pilgrimage to Kentucky in order to re-establish his agricultural dominance and to seek council with the neighboring Tennessean Wisemen. But all is not well in this world, and he soon found that the academic hub of Tennessee does not exist here. He quickly found his humble base of operations besieged by the brutish warriors of Tennessee. In a desperate bid to drive their forces back, he began work on a fence so illustrious, so steadfast that not even an army could penetrate it. He is currently waging psychological warfare in the battle against the Zaibatsu, wearing down their mental faculties with weird animal sex facts. Some say he is building the fence to this day. Shitstorm Secrets Vol. 18: We regretfully inform you that there will be no secret today. Be safe out there, you guys. Look both ways when you cross the road. Buckle your seatbelts. Always check your back seat. Ensure your mirrors are adjusted well. Don't drive drunk. Don't text and drive. Make sure you have someone to keep you awake while driving late at night. Don't look into the rearview. Keep your eyes on the road, but don't look out your side windows. When leaving your car, do not stare at the sky for more than three seconds at a time unless it is cloudless. If you find yourself in a forest, remember to turn off your headlights. It's a cruel world we live in, friends. Stay alert. Stay safe. Shitstorm Secrets 19: Brennan Williams comes from the timeline in which Woolie did in fact, know what he was messing with, and therefore knew how to use it to make him a better man. Taller, stronger and more handsome, upon being transported to this world, Brennan sought out his local wrestling outlet and put in his application. He was accepted before they even looked at it and was allowed to do as much anime shit as he wanted. The reason for this was because It's a little-known fact that Brennan's Nico Nico Knee actually inspired the entire Love-Live franchise due to some weird time bullshit caused by McCloud's huge furry dick. All hail the Shogun of The Row! Shitstorm Secrets Vol. 20: Legends say that one day in the middle of a grand storm, something absurd happened. Just as thunder began to drum at its edge, the clouds suddenly began to part. They spread out into a perfect circle, and from the heavens descended a cute anime boy, clad in an equally as cute bear hoodie. They say the hoodie is blessed by the gods to grant any who would wear it the power of awesome drawing, animating, and game designing. It is also, however, cursed so that the wearer will never be able to play the tuba, lest everyone in their immediate surrounding gets on their case. Shitstorm Secrets Vol. 22: It's strange, I could have sworn that I had written a secret before this one, but no matter how hard I try I can't find it. Come to think of it, the day I wrote it certainly was strange. First there was that incident with the cursed copy of Face/Off. Then I had to fend off hordes of disgruntled horseporn.com subscribers after I tried to tie myself up with the server's power cord. Then there was that wimpy looking guy I bumped into on the street that was talking into a frog with one hand and an atomic purple gameboy with the initials W.M. written on the side in the other. He kept muttering about his boss or some dumb shit. When I got home, I know I sat down to write 21, but then everything was blank for a while. I woke up with my computer turned off. I had assumed I finished it and just passed out afterwards, but It's nowhere to be found. What a mysterious jogo. Shitstorm Secrets Vol. 23:"He Who Speaks of Gods", is what they call him. His name is whispered amongst groups of admirers. Passed around, word to word, note to note. "All hail the lord of Ustabiaz! Takahata, God-king of these blessed lands!" the masses shout, hoping, dreaming, salivating at the thought that he may allow them even a glimpse of his ambrosial resplendence. "They say those who gaze upon his hair--flowing locks, cascading from his crown as if waterfalls of entrancingly elegant ebony--will forever be blessed in his infinite glory!" they gossip; old biddies going carelessly about their daily methodical. "Those so favored that they may indulge in the languid river that is his voice will never be without joy!" They whisper, but they do not know. They do not know of his darkness. Of the snakes that slither at his feet. Yes, he is like to charm those who would let him. And who would not let him, indeed? "Fear not! They may be snakes, yes, but surely they cannot bite. Surely they will not dare lash out while under my sovereignty!" But the snakes are beasts of instinct, and they will let no human vassal--no rational mind--stay their fangs. Perhaps the kingdom is in shambles, now that their pillar of hope as been torn from their world. Perhaps the masses relent, sobbing in their piteous huts. If only they knew. If only they were aware. The taking of their king was not their ruin, but their salvation. Shitstorm Secrets Vol. 24: He uses his powers for good, and nothing but. At least, that's what they say. In most circles, he's no more than a rumor. A fabricated hero. A pillar of hope for those who have none. He is the “Superman” we all want to believe in. A champion of the Dreamcast. One who will stick up for the games nobody else will. He's the guy in all those stories you tell. The one nobody believes exists. Cursed to forever have his existence doubted, James Small trucks on forward, a hero for fun. Shitstorm Secrets Vol. 25: There's the Zaibatsu. The Ustabiaz. Yovideogames. But not very many know of the fourth Heavenly King. An imaginary hero. A professional shitbag. A man from some dumb group that probably sucks. A blackface enthusiast. They're lurking in the shadows, watching the two-front war unfold. Observing each group’s strategies and callouts. But they will strike. It may not be today, or even this year. But they will make their name known, one day. You'd do well to remember it. Shitstorm Secrets Vol. 26: Cats and dogs--what do you know about them? About the secret lives they lead? I would guess you are ignorant to their plights. To their inner battles. Zach Sweetbaby, for example. What do you know about him, truly? Do you know what drives him to fight? Do you know about the disgrace his family suffered? About how he was cast from his clan of Samurai Pizza Cats, left to wander the streets? You probably don't. Do you know about even before that? Who he was before a cat? Did you even bother to learn his true name? His occupation? The tragedy that befell him? Stay a while, children, and I will tell you. Shitstorm Secrets Vol. 27: Zach started not as a cat, but a human of some renown. Billy, they called him. He was a famous Animorph. His efforts against the Yerk did not go unnoticed. It was his secret side job, apart from working with the Zaibatsu. However, one fateful day there was a malfunction. He became stuck in cat form, unable to return to normal. He despaired, knowing not what to do. How would he continue his life? Was that it? It was all gone? Everything he worked for, everything he loved? In a desperate attempt at salvaging his soul, he stole away to the Zaibatsu headquarters. But a miracle occurred. Right around the time that the PAT TRON 3000 was repurposed as Matt, the humble Animorph stumbled into the base. Something strange happened. Something unfathomable. The PAT TRON 3000 reacted to Billy. It sensed his plight. All of his feelings, all of his emotions. It knew, and somewhere in its mechanical heart it empathized. It picked him up and brought him into the group. Zach, he was renamed, to protect his identity. A paid actor was hired to take Billy’s place in order to divert suspicion. Zach was given a sense of belonging. Even in his new state, he was still part of the group. He's always been a part of the group. With us in our hearts and souls. Shitstorm Secrets Vol. 28: Today's Shitstorm Secret is brought to you by Loot Crate. Are you a fan of geek, gamer culture? If so, you've gotta get yourself down to lootcrate.com. Loot Crate delivers a box of fun, pop culture goodies to your door every month. Right to your door. You don't have to do anything. Imagine what you could do with all that time and money saved. You could learn horse riding. Go to nationals. Maybe the talent you learn in the time you save from buying Loot Crate will make you famous. I'm not saying it will, brudda, but it's possible. This month's theme is Shave Butter. If you wanna get yourself a goodie cube, head on down to lootcrate.com today and enter promo code WoolieM to get 25% off your purchase of a Casper Matress, along with one free month of Gamefly premium subscription. Shitstorm Secrets Vol. 29: On the twelfth of June in an unspecified year, Pat neglected to do his daily check of the PAT TRON 3000’s fartgas reserves. For a good week the fsrtgas built up in the PAT TRON 3000’s nuclear stomach, causing it to malfunction and repeat the same Simpsons joke over and over. The Zaibatsu covered this up by saying he went on vacation. By the time they realized the problem, it was too late. The fartgas reserves reached critical mass and the nuclear reactor in PAT TRON 3000’s stomach overloaded. The PAT TRON 3000 was beyond repair. To save face, the best friends hired yet another paid actor to take its place as Matt. The resulting blast would come to be known as the Curse of The Nuclear Reactrotron 300p of the Blood of the Phantasmagoric Taken Wolf-Lord. Shitstorm Secrets Vol. 30: Around the same time as the Curse of The Nuclear Reactrotron 3000 of the Blood of the Phantasmagoric Taken Wolf-Lord that I mentioned in the last secret, the runoff slime and horror-juice congealed together to form a disc. Then, around the disc, a case, shimmering and shrieking. They say that on the day this unholy object was brought into existence by that foul ooze the world trembled. A game no living creature could play without being driven mad. A collection of biomechanical freakazoids. The only reason the Zaibatsu were able to conquer it is because none of them could technically be considered living creatures. It was their beating of the game that freed the spiteful emperor inside. It was because of their hubris that humanity received a grim reminder. We are all slaves to SSAPO. Shitstorm Secrets Vol. 31: “What are you doing? If you keep that up you'll contaminate the Liam Dip.” Pat paced around the kitchen, gentle streams of languid afternoon sunlight pouring in through a tiny window nestled in the room’s corner. He looked at the hulking mass of moss and snakes that stood hunched over the counter and sighed. “Woolie, you need to stop. Just leave it be. We need to move on.” He looked at his watch, tapping a scale covered foot against the smooth marble floor. Woolie grunted a few times, a chunk of bark dislodging itself from his ent beard and sinking into the bowl of syrupy liquid below. His massive body lurched as he straightened out, a viper coiling tightly around one of his branches as he turned to move. “God DAMMIT Woolie! You got ent residue in the dip!” Pat screamed as he rushed to the bowl, staring in disbelief at the foul mess the once divine condiment had become. “Ah, shit, fuck! Fuck it, we’ll just leave it. Liam’s about to finish in the Moe Dungeon. Come on, we gotta move.” He dashed towards the kitchen door, flinging it open and frantically pushing against Woolie's back to usher him through. A cobra poked its flared head from around Woolie’s neck and hissed at Pat, but knowing he was the superior species never dared attack. Pat scrambled for the couch, launching himself towards it as Woolie shuffled along behind him. He clasped the remote in one hand, switching the TV on and starting up an episode of Bible Black as a cover. Woolie's limbs groaned as he sat down, his body rigidly sinking back into the couch’s cushion. Almost immediately, as if given a cue, the front door swung open. Rays of divine light poured through the door, illuminating the edges of a noble silhouette. Liam strode into the room with unflappable providence, his godly countenance glistening in the Bible Black glow. “I KNOW THINE FOOLS HAVE TAMPERED WITH THE LIAM DIP.” His voice resonated throughout the apartment, baby Ashley falling from its perch atop a nearby shelf as the ground shook. “BUT MORE PRESSING MATTERS DEMAND OUR UNFALTERING ATTENTION.” Pat raised an eyebrow, feeling a vague disappointment that their syringe-in-the-dip prank had been seen through. “AT THIS TIME OF THE MONTH, LOCALIZED ENTIRELY IN HIS APARTMENT, MATTHEW OF THE CLAN MCMUSCLES WAS FOUND DEAD.” Pat gasped in shock. Zach stopped in place. His body seemed to melt, a mournful yowl--one that would make even the strongest man burst into tears--escaping his mouth. Woolie’s branch creaked a bit. “Must’ve been one of those Ustabiaz fuckers,” Pat grumbled under his breath, slamming one fist into the other. “Uuoooahhhghhh…” Woolie groaned in agreement. Liam took a step forward, fishing a Vita from his sash and tapping on the screen a few times. “FOOLS, THE BOTH OF YOU. THE KILLER’S IDENTITY IS NO SECRET. ONE OF MY VITA SECURITY CAMERAS WAS SET UP AT THE SCENE. WE NEED ONLY BEHOLD IT'S CONTENTS.” Liam gazed back down at the celestial instrument’s screen, seeming to linger on something. “Well what're you waiting for, man? Show it to us!” Pat demanded, anxiously wringing his reptilian hands together. Liam gazed from the screen to the TV, called upon his secret ability--”Vita TV”--and in that instant Bible Black switched to a view of his Vita’s screen. Pat and Woolie lurched forward, eyes glued to the grainy footage of Matt’s apartment that flickered across their television screen. The sight they saw was enough to drive a man to madness. The thing in the centre of the room was wine-red and clumpy. It seemed thick and viscous as it oozed against the floor, bubbly and congealed. little chunks of something yellow and goopy were sunk into various parts of the viscera, a thin, milky film seeming to be spread across the entire thing. Atop the rotted mess lay a spherical shape, caved in and hollow. Creamy red liquid pooled inside it, little tufts of matted hair sticking out from underneath a beanie stained with blood and vomit. In one corner of the room, an arm. Its flesh was torn and peeled from the bone, the muscle underneath hanging out like stringy beef. In the other corners, the rest of his limbs, treated in a similar fashion. Maggots clung to the rended flesh, wriggling as they burrowed their way inside of it. The sight alone made Pat want to vomit. He could almost smell it wafting through his screen. The odour of burnt rot. Turgid smoke, clogging his nostrils. And then they saw him. The culprit. Laying right in the middle of the macaroni salad that was matt’s innards. He turned to the camera, His eyes glistened. Malice. Hatred. Kill. Devour. The room closed in on them. Slaughter. Kill. Death. Pat couldn’t breathe. The ancient evil that sat there, gleefully playing in Matt’s remains caused his brain to tremble. It took a few steps towards the camera, a few maddeningly slow steps, nails clicking sinisterly against the hardwood floor-- And Benny barked.
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