Ameristar Casino Resort Spa Black Hawk - Denver

Dear Blizzard Entertainment,

Gameplay first.

Those are your words. Your founding words. And you have abandoned them.

I'm a grumpy 41-year old male. I'm cynical and skeptical. I work in marketing, and I hate the business. It's full of bollocks and bullshit. At the core of all that is the ridiculous idea that customers want to engage with companies and have conversations and relationships and other such nonsense. I don't care a thing for the companies whose products I buy. I don't want a relationship with Coke. I don't visit fan forums for Tide. And I will never pay any amount of money to watch or attend a Levi's convention. I just want good products, at reasonable prices.

I'm not a fan of corporations the way that I'm a fan of the Denver Broncos. I don't yell at the TV when I see a stupid McDonald's commercial like I do when Case Keenum throws another interception. I'm not emotionally invested in Nike or Google. I don't want whoever runs those companies to be fired when things go poorly the same way I think Vance Joseph should be fired from the Broncos.

And why is that? Because I'm emotionally attached to the Broncos. I love that team. I cried when they won Superbowl 50. It's irrational, I know. The win-loss record of a sports team has no effect on my personal life. And yet... I cheer and jeer.

Thankfully, I don't invest myself into commodity corporations the same way.

Except, that I do.

For more than 20 years Blizzard, you have made games that I love to play. Even the games I was terrible at, I still played. I knew they'd be the best that that genre had to offer. I wasn't any good at the Starcraft games. But I played them anyway. I could only just scrape through the story campaigns in the Warcraft series. But I played it anyway. I loved Diablo, but never played in Hardcore mode or pushed high-level rifts. Why did I play those games? Because they were fun. I also made some good friends along the way - friends that I still play Blizzard games with. But I didn't truly love Blizzard until 2004, when I first stepped foot into Dun Morogh.

I'll never forget traipsing through the snow and climbing the hill to see Ironforge for the first time. I've loved World of Warcraft (and you, Blizzard) ever since.

A canvas poster of the original World of Warcraft box hangs on my wall. A little figure of Arthas guards my desk. In my closet, Blizzard branded t-shirts hang next to my Broncos gear. I'm not just a guy who buys Blizzard's products like I buy other stuff. I'm a Blizzard fan. I pay to watch BlizzCon. I root for the company to succeed like I do the Broncos. But now, when I see that poster or wear one of my Blizzard shirts, I feel a bit like I do when I watch a Broncos game. I'm cheering for a team that used to be great but just isn't anymore. I keep watching though, because that's what loyal fans do. And I keep hoping for better days.

In the Blizzard Retrospective documentary published in 2011, Bob Davidson said: "it wasn't hard to let Blizzard do it's thing... as long as it was working."

Blizzard, the things you are doing now are not working.

Maybe you know this. Maybe it's causing internal power struggles at the office. And maybe you are too deep to see that you are no longer the company that prided itself on "gameplay first." The only reason Blizzard gamers exist at all is because of great gameplay. But great gameplay is hard. It takes years of testing and iteration to get right. And it's expensive. You were always known for taking your sweet development time. "Soon," we were told. "It'll be done soon." And we knew that you were creating something beautiful and amazing that was, despite any flaws that might exist, going to be fun. "Soon" was almost always worth the wait. But you don't make those kinds of games anymore. And I wonder if you ever will again.

Do you know why I logged onto World of Warcraft day after day those first few years? It wasn't because 15-minute corpse runs were fun. It wasn't so I could wait for the warlock to farm soul shards or for the hunter to travel all the way back to a village to buy arrows before we could finally spend the next 5 hours being lost in Dire Maul. It wasn't to craft copper bars or gather runecloth so I could buy a cross-racial mount. Though, I did all of those things, and many, many more.

I wasn't logging on to earn or buy loot boxes. I didn't finish a dungeon and hope that whatever the final boss dropped would not only be the thing I wanted, but also titanforge into a super-powered version of the thing I wanted. I didn't log on so I could fill a bar - though there were plenty of bars to fill. I didn't play so I could gather some random source of power that would inevitably fade into irrelevance as soon as some goblin miner discovered a new random source of power. I didn't show up to race through dungeons or to replace pieces of gear every other day with gear that was marginally better (or worse) than what I was wearing.

In fact, I think I wore the same robe for 2 years during classic WoW. I only replaced it after The Burning Crusade released. I didn't log on just so I could tab-out to third-party websites because they were the only way to find out if I had the right talents, the right gear, or to simulate numbers with the gear I did have. I didn't pay $15 a month to earn a score from a third-party so I could participate in the game with other people who valued my random score over my experience playing the game.

I played World of Warcraft because just being in Azeroth with a few friends was good enough. I wasn't worried about leveling up quickly so I could "play the real game" like people are today. If I set out to do some quests, but got distracted by PvP (corpse runs) or a dungeon (corpse runs), or exploring a zone that was full of monsters just a bit too powerful for my level (more corpse runs), then that was all right. Because exploring Azeroth - an enormous world full of amazing creatures and hidden things - was a lot of fun.

You're deluding yourself if you think that classic World of Warcraft will bring that all back. It won't. It can't. That experience can't be replicated any more than returning to Disneyland as an adult can recreate the first time I visited when I was 10 years old. Those days, and that game are gone. The game that we play today is not a game at all. Instead, World of Warcraft is a data-gathering index of daily user actions and patterns. It's a research tool to help scummy marketing people decide what to put on sale, how much to charge for a fox mount, or which adverts to fill the game launcher with. You no longer see me as a player, but instead, as a payer.

New features in WoW are gated behind reputation bars, time, or just not in the game at all yet. Zandalari trolls were among the first features of Battle for Azeroth that were introduced to us. Zandalari trolls aren't in the game. But they will be... "soon". You've tried to hide that exclusion behind storytelling, but it's a thin mask. Patch 8.1 launched on December 11th. The Battle for Dazar'alor (a cumbersome name) won't launch until January 22nd - conveniently just a little bit more than 30 days after someone who might have re-upped for 8.1 started paying for your game again.

Arguably, there is more stuff to do in WoW than ever before, and yet I don't log on as often as I used to. And worse yet, I don't look forward to playing like I used to. Mostly, I log on to see if any of my friends are playing and that if maybe, just maybe, we can get a few of us together to go earn a loot box or race through a dungeon and pretend that we are having fun again.

You stopped making an MMORPG years ago. Instead, you turned WoW into an elaborate fantasy-themed casino replicator. It's a third-person looter-shooter designed to string players out like addicts looking for a fix. Your other titles are just animated shopping carts that feature mini-games people can play in between opening loot boxes.

And that's really sad because all of Blizzard's games are beautiful. Your artists are still the best in the industry. It's a shame that their work is being ruined by shady business practices and shoddy gameplay design.

Why is Ion Hazzikostas still the World of Warcraft game director? He bumbles through Q&As saying words but nothing else. Under his (and J. Allen Brack's) direction, the game has become progressively worse. Ion's sidekick, Josh "Lore" Allen - the man you hired to be the public face of World of Warcraft - called us "dickbags" and is far more interested in building his personal brand than he is in doing the job you pay him to do.

I can't tell if these men are being held hostage by a company that has broken their spirits, or if they are burned out, or if they have true contempt for both WoW and its players. Are the creative, passionate people that you are so well known for allowed to work on the design direction of World of Warcraft? Or is the game being designed by algorithms and data-driven stat-padding horseshit? People can tell if something is fun. Computers can't.

We are not your enemy Blizzard. We are your loyal supporters. The luke-warm, fair-weather fans are gone and they are not coming back. We are all you have left. And frankly, when it comes to MMORPGs, you are all we have. Please stop ruining World of Warcraft. Please stop designing it around KPIs, MAUs, and other marketing bullshit. I'll play the game if it's fun. And right now, it's not fun. The people designing and developing the game look tired. Maybe it's time for them to "move to other unannounced projects". Or maybe you just need to let them remember what "gameplay first" means.

I don't know what's happening at Blizzard. I don't know if Activision is flexing its management muscles. I don't know why Mike Morhaime left. I don't know if company morale is low. I don't know why you think it's a good idea to put talented developers to work on mobile projects - games that your audience doesn't bother playing because we are middle-aged adults who, just like your founders, were raised on PC games. I don't know anything about the inner workings of this company that I have supported for almost half of my life.

But I do know Blizzard games. And I know that whatever it is you are producing recently, are not Blizzard games.

I hope that whatever it is that is wrong with you, Blizzard, can be fixed. And fixed "soon."

For Azeroth,

Lightcap, the Patient
Illidan - US

Wealth Formula Episode 237: Is Angel Investing Right for You?

Catch the full episode: https://www.wealthformula.com/podcast/237-is-angel-investing-right-for-you/
Buck: Welcome back to the show everyone today my guest on Wealth Formula Podcast is Tom Wallace. Tom is a 40 year veteran of technology startups both as a founder and an investor and, after multiple successful exits most recently selling vector learning for 268 million dollars, he's now the managing partner at Florida Funders which is a hybrid: a venture capital fund and angel investor network focused on finding funding and building the next generation of breakout technology companies in Florida. Tom welcome to Wealth Formula Podcast.
Tom: Buck thanks for having me on your show. I really appreciate it. It's an honor to be here and thanks for hosting.
Buck: Yeah of course. And you know why don't we start out you know this is a sort of a different area for us but why don't you just start out a little bit by talking about your background I know we mentioned that you've been a tech guy, for the most part, your professional life. Talk a little bit about that and you know how you ended up I guess from being on the front lines as maybe an actual startup guide ultimately on the angel investor side.
Tom: Yeah sure so I come from a blue-collar family. Neither of my parents graduated from high school. And so when I got out of college it was 1980 and if you think about that time it was kind of the dawning of the microcomputer or personal computer revolution and I worked for a couple of years for a Fortune 500 company Alcoa my father said it's the only real job I ever had and then at the age of 23 my best friend and I started our first company and we started a company in the personal computer space and had no idea what we were doing we were young we were green. Back then buck it wasn't like today where there's all these incubators and accelerators and all these mentors and so many people you can get help starting you know an entrepreneurship is such a you know a cool thing and such a hip thing back then it was something that not a lot of people were doing and I was like most of the kids I went to college with were looking to go work for IBM or some Fortune 500 company but it was really a special time and we got bit when you got bit by the entrepreneurial bug and if you think back every so often game-changing technology comes along and certainly the late 70s early 80s that was the case with a personal computer if you think about up until that time the only had access to computers were universities large corporations or pretty good sized companies and they were big computers they were expensive and they took a team of geeks to program them yeah that all changed in the late 70s with Apple and IBM introduced their first personal computer in 1981 and compact computer and all that and it really now every person every small business could have a computer and the software that came along with it from people like Bill Gates and Mitch Kapoor of Lotus123 that came along with it you didn't any longer have to be a programmer or geek to figure out how to use this. So we start our business and that was our first company. We exited that about eight years later got about 20 million in sales and then kind of been doing it ever since and an entrepreneur and on the field as is I kind of look at I've been the core I was the quarterback for many years and you know living the daily grind and fight of being an entrepreneur. And I like being on the sidelines at this point
Buck: Got it. So you know we talked a little bit offline about my audience and where you know I tend to be for the most part you know alternative asset investors who are looking for different things generally you know heavily in real estate and that sort of thing. So you know a lot of the nomenclature maybe for this area is going to be a little bit foreign maybe just from an educational standpoint maybe kind of if you would you know you hear a lot of different types of things, words thrown around like angel investing and venture capital and private equity within technology, can you talk a little bit about that and maybe you know kind of where you're focused.
Tom: Yeah sure so I kind of look at it in stages so early, early stage you know say Buck you were going to start a company a technology company tomorrow and you needed to raise a few hundred thousand dollars to get it going. The first thing you would probably do is go out to your family and friends and get them to invest so that's kind of very very early stage probably pre you probably don't have any revenue no customers it's just an idea. The next stage is angel investing and that's when you typically get a little bit past that family and friends maybe you've got some customers now you've got a real product you go out to that group and these are kind of and that and angels have changed over the years but you know many of us do it professionally so these are more sophisticated investors they do a lot of deals they see a lot of deals and we'll talk more about that later. Then if you're successful if your success continues you continue growing you get bigger now you're looking to in that angel round is typically maybe 500 000 to a million maybe a little more maybe a little less, now you're ready for you know a more institutional round or series a these rounds tend to be more like two to three million to 10 million amount amount that you're raising that's venture capital still early but you've got customers you've got some traction and then you know and that really from venture capital private equity is even later stage and the difference in and I spent the last kind of 10 years my career running private equity companies working a lot with private equity guys that's tend to be that tends to be later stage companies they're profitable they put a lot of leverage on them so the private equity companies typically put a lot of debt on these companies so there has to be that cash flow in ebitda to make that happen and so property equity guys are looking for two three four x returns on their companies maybe greater than when we exited vector solutions my last company. I take our last private equity round we provide our investors about eight or nine times their money back venture capital is different game they know they're gonna invest in and by the way private equity guys nothing's going to zero, they're not investing in companies that are going to zero. I mean once a while it happens but it's a rarity where venture capital is a little different game you know and it depends on where you're playing it because if you're playing in New York or Silicon Valley it's a different game than you're playing in Florida but typically we're banking on a certain percentage of our companies going to zero that they're just not going to be successful and you know some we're going to get our money back and we're going to make all our money on kind of the top third that's how we look at Florida Funders the third or third or third but you know the you know the folks out in the valley probably look at it more like you're investing in 10 companies nine are going to zero one's gonna be unicorn and they're gonna make all the returns on the one company. So you know it varies a little differently with you know where you're playing geographically and what you're doing but that kind of is how we look at that paradigm of you know stages of investing in venture capital versus private equity.
Buck: Obviously and you're talking about you you sort of alluded to it a little bit but you know if the tech private equity folks are looking to return you know I think what did you say you know maybe for up to eight three or four three times over a period of how long like a decade or something like that.
Tom: I mean the returns typically they invest in money over a period about three or four years and then the returns start coming in shortly after that and they're out by usually like 10 years right.
Buck: And then with angel, so what's the compelling element that you like and maybe investors should know about your space which is you know the angel investing which is really the earliest I mean after friends and family right so it's certainly the highest risk but yeah so what do you just like the asymmetric nature of that?
Tom: Well it's risk reward so yeah I will admit I personally am a little bit of a deal junkie but you don't have to be. If you look at some of the research, I would never suggest anybody that is you know as they look at their asset allocation across their investments that angel investing should be a large portion of it. It is for me because it's what I do for a living so maybe a chair 20 of my net worth but 10 whatever but typically it's a small sliver two three percent for an investor but if you do it right angel investing can and has historically outperformed every other asset class including venture capital and private equity that is research coming out of the Angel Capital Association Of America. So the problem is most people don't do angel investing correctly. We call this the 5 Ds of angel investing, so diversity, deal flow, due diligence, domain expertise and discipline. So the first mistake most angel investors make I use my brother as an example my brother's a very successful software CEO, he sold his last company for 1.6 billion dollars and I said to him one day Tim you know what about angel investing he said I've done that two or three times I went to zero that doesn't work. Well you really can't do it two to three times because the odds are against you you might as well go to the casino you really need to be up to build a portfolio a diversified portfolio like you have to in most investing, we say 10 to 15 companies you should invest in to really you know have enough diversity. Secondly is deal flow. How many deals do you look at to invest in each one again look at my brother I'm like Tim well how many deals did you look at to do these two or three deals he's like well he just looked at those two or three like you know it Florida Funders and vendor we'll look at 50 deals to do one. So we're highly selective and we're you know we like believe we're getting the best of the best. And then due diligence is how much research and digging in did you do in your process and a lot of research on this 20 plus hours is you know really what you should do to maximize your potential returns if Florida Funders every company we do we have more like 80 to 100 hours of due diligence and this is everything from digging into the the founders and their background their experience to talking to those early customers asking about the product, why they buy it, how important it is, is it nice to have, does it have to have we really get into in their technology, what's your technology stack look like, what's their IP, so that's a big part of it. And then domain expertise and this is investing in what you know. You're a doctor right you're a surgeon so if you were looking to invest in a medical device company you would know a lot more about that than me. So with us at 1000 Florida Funders we invest in software companies software as a service we invest in cyber security fintech edtech digital health areas that all of me and my partners have backgrounds in. So we're investing in what we know. And then the last thing is discipline to be a good investor I would argue real estate I don't know what you're guessing you gotta come up with your your thesis and you gotta stick to it. And the biggest thing we see in angel investing or I see an angel investigators mistake people make is fomo. They invest because all their friends are investing and they don't want to miss out on this deal that is not a good reason to invest and what we found is if you're disciplined and you follow those other four d's and that process and do that over and over again that you're going to be successful and that this can be a very not only successful asset class from a return on investment standpoint but also fun. I mean think about it we'd like to say we get to go to work every day with these young talented smart people who are trying to change the world we're gonna be more fun than that?
Buck: Yeah let's you know exploring some of those d's for a moment one of them I'm thinking about here is you mentioned deal flow and I now you're in Florida. If I'm you know a software developer and I've got something I'm excited about, am I gonna go to Silicon Valley or I mean so how does that factor into this in terms of affecting your deal flow? Do you see some advantages in being you know on the other coast or what's that been like in your experience?
Tom: Yeah we we do see some advantages in Florida is a very unique state we're the third most populous state in the country growing rapidly we have great tax laws we're a very pro state very unlike California in a lot of ways now again they play a different game it's really not California Silicon Valley In San Francisco right I mean by the way all the venture capital invests in the united states goes into 60 of it goes into four little micro markets. Twenty percent goes in Silicon Valley twenty percent san francisco ten percent boston ten percent in new york so forty percent goes to the rest of the world. We have in Florida over the last decade really great success stories and technology companies like Chewy.com, Jetsmart, Fanatics, Knowbe4, Connect-wise, these are all unicorn companies built here in Florida where the people the entrepreneurs didn't leave here to go to Silicon Valley they could have but they didn't and we're seeing more and more of that in fact we're seeing the opposite happen where we're getting calls from from founders are saying we're getting out of the valley we're getting out of San Francisco it's too expensive to the talent google and facebook are sucking up all the talent they pay them they we can't compete with them and we're looking for a pro business state to come to and in the past you know when that happened it was more it was mostly Austin Texas had benefited from that in colorado places like Boulder and Denver but now we're seeing it in Florida and it's exciting and you know we have a lot to offer these founders, we have 45 incubators and accelerators across the state, we have a lot of support systems for entrepreneurs and we're a very pro pro business state. So it's exciting. And then the other thing that's exciting from an investor standpoint is the valuations. You know companies in in Silicon Valley and San Francisco you know they're they don't have any revenues they have an idea and they're worth 10 million dollars you know in Florida most of the companies we invest in already have revenues already have customers somewhere you know the revenues might be 50 000 in annual recurring revenue up to maybe 500 000, but we can invest in them at a valuation of you know free market valuation maybe 5 million 3 million 7 million. So we don't need them to be a unicorn for us to have a very successful exit for us and for our fellow investors and we can get you know 10x 20x 30x returns with a company that's exiting at 100 million dollars which is in the tech world is not a huge exit today.
Buck: Tell me how it works in terms of a typical I mean my you know my listeners are used to you know the types of real estate private equity particularly our accredited investor groups and things like that but how does a fund like this work? Is it you know a typical 2 and 20 type type structure you know and if you could kind of talk about that and you know maybe also some historical in terms of what you're seeing you know obviously not promising anything future wise but what what kinds of results have you guys had?
Tom: Yeah so yes we're two and twenty our fund is a two and twenty fund so it's very typical.
Buck: So two percent annual basically under management and then twenty percent profit right and then right got it so that's pretty standard and then and then in terms of in Florida Funders what kind of you know structures are you looking at are are you doing? Are these regulation D exemption type things or I mean are they 506 c's or are they crowd funding or you know right crowdfunding or how are you structuring these?
Tom: Yeah so the way we work if we're a little different animal. We'd like to think we have a pretty unique model is once a company makes it through our vetting process and we say okay we're gonna invest in you. Our fund will put in the first, say we're gonna raise a million dollars for this company, our fund will put in 500 000 and then we take the 500 000 we go out to our crowd curated accredited investors we only deal with accredited so we're 506 C and then the crowd will fill in the rest, sometimes it's a little light maybe the fun will make up the distance many times it's over subscribed it will raise more for the founder or we'll just shut it off. So you know again we're a little a little bit different.
Buck: Sorry to interrupt but you're saying that each opportunity you're doing separately, you're not doing it as a portfolio like a fund, you're doing each business separately?
Tom: So we have two things we have a fund of our own that many of our just invest in the fund and we invest the money for them, but then we have this curated crowd of accredited investors who invest alongside our fund. So like myself personally I'm an investor in our fund I invest in almost every deal we do as well and I'll vary what I put in the deals based on what I think what I like you know that's that sort of thing. Now we have some many investors that are just in our fund they love what we're doing they're really excited about they're like you know hey we don't know technology, I don't know technology, I don't have time to look at even though you guys do all the due diligence and put it off on the portal and I don't really have to do a lot of work you kind of take the heavy lifting out of angel investing for me, I don't have the time to do it or I don't know tech so why don't I just give you the money and you guys invest it for me. And so we're on our second fund to go back to your question about our returns we're just stamming our first exits from our first fund which is about four years old. We had we'll have we've had two in the last week and one was 1.8 x times your money back and one was a little over two so those are moderate returns in our world yeah and we're playing you know we're we we expect to have some of those but we also expect to have 10x 20x 30x deals and then we expect to have zeros too.
Buck: Right got it. In terms of right now in this day and age specifically talking about a recessionary environment, a pandemic environment, how is this all affecting your business and you know your business is that you invest in you know capital all of these things.
Tom: Yeah it's been interesting because you know if you look back at 2009 2010 the great recession, the one area of investing that really never slowed and took was was early stage tech investing in an angel investing. It didn't really have much of an effect on it. We're kind of seeing that we're still doing deals we're very active or you know lots of deal flow you know some of our portfolio companies were severely affected by cobit but with the PPP loans and we work with our companies we don't just invest in them and leave them alone we take a board seat we get involved we coach them we provide introductions to them we help them in any way we can be successful. Many of them got ppp loans that are going to be forgiven or you know that really helped them a lot some of them pivoted and most of them have really bounced. We lost one there was a restaurant tech company which you know obviously that's not the space you want to be in this downturn in overdays but they weren't doing so great anyway. But a lot you know some you know some of our companies are k-12 education companies most of them have really bounced back now I mean they took a hit but they bounced back. We have companies in the healthcare space that you know they're involved a lot with elective surgery, they obviously took a hit but now they've bounced back. So it's been interesting it's been on you know we we hunkered down there with our companies for a while and said hey our message to them was cut your burn preserve cash you don't know when you're gonna be able to raise money again extend your runway and make sure you can live the fight your way through this and most of them have done that very successfully.
Buck: Where does for for your typical investor and I think you kind of had mentioned a little bit in terms of allocation, but you know if you look at a portfolio of you know 100 of your investable assets, what sort of a rule of thumb people I'm maybe not you know Tom Wallaces the world where you're in the middle of this but if you're looking to get exposure what what do you tell people what is sort of the rule of thumb on these types of things whether it be you know direct technology investments or angel investments or how do you look at or how do you suggest people look at it?
Tom: You know I think it's five percent or less you know whatever you're comfortable with but you know. There's something that's happened out there if you think about technology the days of buying amazon and apple and a couple hundred million dollar valuation rounding that to a trillion dollars or over. Facebook went public the valuation was what 70 billion. Uber went public valuation 40 50 billion. These companies because there's so much venture capital money out there these companies are waiting so long to go public to really get phenomenal returns angel investing is how you're going to do it because you know again companies are waiting so long to go public and so we you know again if you do the five Ds and you diversify you know there there's an opportunity for for great returns here and you know we're only seeing that trend more and more and it's becoming more exciting with all the changes to crowdfunding and all the rules that came out in you know when crowdfunding was first made legal back within six or seven years now so yeah it's an exciting space and it can be one again that you can have a lot of fun with and you can really see some exciting companies and meet some crazy founders great founders a tad crazy yeah and but yeah I'd say five percent or less I mean that's typically what our number would be.
Buck: So before we go maybe just sort of in general like for Florida Funders that's what it's called and what's the website
Tom: Floridafunders.com
Buck: So if you kind of gave us you know your you know your elevator pitch so to speak on on Florida Funders and why to look into it more and how you're different from the other angel groups what would you say to that?
Tom: Our secret sauce has a couple things. One is deal flow we've been named by cb insights and pitch book both those organizations says the most active EC in the southeast the most active venture capitalist in Florida. So we are out and about in the tech community down here, we're very well known. Every month 50 to 100 companies just go to our website and apply for funding. So we're looking at way more deals and as a result we think we're getting access to the best deals. The second part of our secret sauce is the extensive extensive due diligence we do, even more we invest alongside some Silicon Valley venture capitalists some New York venture capitalists and we often have co-investors in our deal and I would argue that almost nobody does the level of due diligence we do and that's everything from really getting to know the founders a lot of this is betting on the jockey to you know those early customers and interviewing them to plugging in a subject matter expert and we tap into our network of 1500 investors and you know we're looking at a health tech digital play you know we're pulling people that have extensive domain expertise who can really work in that space who have years of experience and they really help us evaluate these deals and once we invest they help these companies advise them and mentor them and coach them. So that's kind of what makes us different here at Florida Funders and if you think about you know where the future is for so many states, and obviously you know we're focused on Florida. We like to say we're we're looking to change Florida from a state we want Florida to be as known if not no more for technology and innovation than we are today for the mouse and tourism and strawberries.
Buck: Sure got it. Well listen Tom it's been great and very helpful and educational for my audience here. Again it's Florida Funders like fun having funders dot com Floridafunders.com and Tom I wanna thank you again for being on the show and maybe have you on again sometime and let us know how your next fund does.
Tom: Will do Buck it's been my pleasure. Thank you so much. All the best to you and your listeners and I've really enjoyed spending this time with you.
Buck: We'll be right back.

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Wealth Formula Episode 224: Multifamily Macroeconomics in the Twilight Zone

Catch the full episode: https://www.wealthformula.com/podcast/224-multifamily-macroeconomics-in-the-twilight-zone/
Buck: Welcome back to the show everyone. Today my guest on Wealth Formula Podcast, he's been on the show before. He's economist Ryan Davis. He actually joined us at one of our last Wealth Formula meetups. Of course, the last one we had was canceled but Ryan was at the one before that. He serves as a chief operating officer at Witten Advisors and provides fact-based research analysis and discussion to help clients like us formulate their apartment strategies and these insights and for investment decisions for multi-family development and buy/sell opportunities which as you can imagine we're all looking for some of this advice these days. Ryan has a PhD in economics from the University of Texas. Ryan, welcome back to Wealth Formula Podcast.
Ryan: Thank you. Glad to be back.
Buck: Yeah it's been like a pandemic ago when we last talked right? Listen, you know I want to kind of jump into the whole you know what the heck is going on, I mean the overall, if you would, you know kind of give me your overall assessment of the economy. I mean obviously we know these huge drops in GDP etc which were expected last quarter. How is this all affecting real estate asset prices especially you know apartments which is you know is our interest and something that you specialize in?
Ryan: Sure so yeah the great unknown is the pace of the recovery. So we had that big drop through April in terms of employment and then we got a bounce back in May and June and the hope was that it was going to be a V-shaped recovery. But then we saw virus cases ramp back up in the second half of June into the early part of July and the local economy started rolling back some of their openings and so with that, we've kind of stalled out recently. So we'll get the July numbers this Friday for overall payroll gains and that could I think the consensus is anywhere between one, one and a half million jobs it could be negative so who knows but it looks like the hope for a v-shaped recovery in the economy has kind of stalled out after the first two months of optimism. And so we think that going forward we won't see any the worst is behind us really and so we won't see you know the big losses that we experienced in March and early into April so kind of what we're calling for right now is for the national economy to continue to add jobs for the remainder of the year and then beginning next year a recovery should emerge and that would sustain demand for housing and ultimately apartments going forward. In the near term as far as multi-family goes we expect some pain through the end of this year and then into the early part of next year. In terms of pricing power, if we had to boil it down to one number it's rent growth so year over year effective rent growth we think that declines to eight percent rent cuts this year and into the early part of 2021. That varies considerably on a local market basis I think our worst-performing market is Metro New York City probably no surprise there but then also many of the other gateway markets such as Boston, LA, the Bay Area, etc. We expect rent declines to be lower than that eight percent across the board, however many of the inner west, Texas, southeastern market should outperform still see rent declines but not closer to five/six percent range at the depth and so we expect near-term pain but then as we get out into 2021 and afterward and the economy begins to add a lot of jobs we would expect rent growth to return to multi-family. And then what that means for pricing in terms of apartment assets for right now in the second quarter hardly any deals trade at hand so it's really tough to get a sense of where pricing is and with the deals that have traded though the cap rates have remained relatively stable which is a good sign. We've heard from some of our merchant builder clients where they had assets they had constructed and were going out to the market to sell in the early part of April they were saying 10 discounts in terms of the compared to pre corona levels but that has since come back in the last 45-60 days and maybe it's only one to two percent in terms of the haircut that they're seeing out there right now. And there's a just a ton of capital that wants to get back into multifamily at the same time there's hardly any distress out there right now so there's a lack of available to you know supply to buy and so everyone is just kind of in this standstill there's a big ass gap because buyers aren't willing to pay yesterday's prices for assets but sellers aren't willing to give any you know deep discounts right now and so it's kind of a standstill and we’ll see how all this plays out.
Buck: Yeah you know it's really interesting we're obviously you know through, you work with Western Wealth Capital, one of my partners and you know it's funny because we were kind of thinking well maybe there'll be some real buying opportunities but you know we've seen a little bit maybe just you know from buyers who are sellers who just are just wanting to get out while they're ahead maybe they made some money you know maybe they and at this point you know they're just thinking let's just cash out and maybe they're willing to take a little bit less but for the most part you know if you look across our own portfolio and it might be because it's largely again Texas and Arizona, etc that and maybe it's because it's mostly working-class B and you know high C class apartment but our portfolio you know the numbers are just as good as they've ever been in terms of you know occupancy in terms of even our we're still raising rents. And so when you look at that you're like well I mean how do you expect there to be any you know smoking deals out there if the sellers really aren't feeling any distress. So is there a difference you know when you look at something like a B and C class apartment scenario versus A right now or have you been able to break that down a little bit because I think the people I know who are in the A-class and new build are you know they're certainly feeling things a little bit more than we are.
Ryan: Yeah so what we've heard from some of our clients in terms of early on so may June in terms of rent collections class A's were actually from a nationwide perspective actually exceeded the class B and C product. Now we don't think that will continue going forward and the main reason is that new deliveries that are coming online they will compete with the existing top of the market product and so we think that it will be short-lived in terms of the top of the market outperformance and another part is due to just the nature of this downturn where low-wage sectors were hit extremely hard in April, got some bounce back in May and June but the leisure and hospitality sectors lower-paying positions those have been the most impacted so far. But going forward we don't think that this downturn would be any different than prior recessions in terms of the class A leading the way down in terms of jobs and occupancy and also rent growth or rent cuts in the near term. So class A’s will lead the market down but then as we get out into the later part of next year and into early 2022 then class A's would outperform the broader market. So yeah we think through the end of this year until early next that B's and C's will hold up relatively better but that's mainly a function of just the competition that it takes to get these new projects they will get leased up it's just a matter of the market-clearing price and so those have to compete those could be mostly with the top end of the spectrum and so we see big rent declines and concessions in the class A space going forward.
Buck: You know there's this thesis that's going around in the multi-family space and you know I've been sort of you know looking at it this way too for a while though I'm starting to you know feel like it's maybe not gonna happen is this idea that there's going to be a potentially before we really rebound and start heading up again that there’ll potentially be a you know big tsunami of defaults and things like that. Right now at least what I'm you know seeing and hearing about in terms of the lending markets and in terms of these properties, there really isn't much indication of that right now is there I mean what do you think?
Ryan: No at least not in the short term I mean again there's it goes back to my earlier comment there's been no distress really and so that is due mainly to the huge stimulus packages that have been passed those from a fiscal standpoint and a monetary standpoint which is it's crazy to think that GDP declined at an annualized rate by 32 however incomes soared and so that's all due to the stimulus that we saw and so that's helped prop up renters incomes and allow them to pay rent. Now going forward I think some of these the number of defaults I don't think there will be a tsunami, at least that's how we view it right now, ask me again in a week and it could change, but I think that the defaults will be very market specific and so those geographies that have been hit harder we'll see a larger number but many of the Texas markets, Phoenix, Denver, southeast high growth markets where you've got this short-term tailwind in terms of folks at the margin more and the trends that have been in place for years of folks moving from gateway markets into these inner markets will be kind of you know given a stairway shot really in the near term and so that would help to prop up multi-family fundamentals and so yeah if you're expecting a tsunami of defaults in any of those markets that I've mentioned again it kind of gets a little bit granular in terms of you know potentially Orlando might have some problems just with the amount of supply and then the you know low-wage in tourism industries being impacted more dramatically and that would lead to some weakness in Orlando but out outside of that maybe Houston you could argue you know somewhat but outside of those two and those those areas of the inner west Texas, southeast Florida should be but hold up you know relatively well and I would think that the main stress points will be out you know on the coast in California potentially portland we do think seattle holds up relatively well and then northeast in terms of you know New York and Boston as well so I think it's very locally market driven.
Buck: Yeah it's interesting you know we did we were a little worried about Houston too but our you know Houston portfolio is actually doing awesome it's not having any problems at all which is which was you know again, knock on wood that’s what it's been so far. Let me ask you another question you mentioned the pent-up demand of you know money on the sidelines waiting to get back in and you know and in many situations, they have to get back in right they're mandated to deploy capital and that sort of thing do you the one thought that I've had through this is you know multi-family and well multi-family in general has held up so well during this period of time does that potentially create a situation where you know the big money that's coming in starts looking at this even harder as potentially a little bit of a hedge or a little bit of safe haven. What what do you guys think is going to be the effect of that you know the relatively stable performance and then ultimately you know having all of this money on the sidelines,? Do you see paradoxical even further compression of cap rates over the next couple years? What's your thought on that?
Ryan: Yeah and so kind of pre-corona our forecast was for cap rates to continue to decline and you know taking a step back it was mainly driven by global factors with the aging populations across the globe that have built wealth up and all that investment needed to be placed somewhere. And so those trends were driving returns lower for longer and so those are the demographic that have not been affected by the pandemic. And so just from a global standpoint, we're expecting returns across all assets whether stocks bonds you know all classes of real estate whether it's multi or industrial retail office, etc those returns would continue to head lower. Now we've had the pandemic and we've seen multi-family and industrial hold up exceedingly well and who knows what to make of retail office and lodging just lots of pain and in those sectors and so if you need to be allocated to real estate then multifamily and industrial or where you want to be at least in the short term and especially if you're looking for consistency of returns and you know risk-adjusted on a risk-adjusted basis you know multi-industrial or have outperformed other asset classes and so really to get into the lodging office retail space probably more opportunistic mindset in terms of those assets may need to be repositioned etc and so I think a lot of that money that's out there is not looking to get there's a lot that's looking for that type of asset turnaround story but there's also a lot of money out there that needs the stability. And so that should continue to compress cap rates or put a really put a cap on that cap rates and so it would be no surprise if cap rates on an aggregate basis hold steady and maybe even decline despite a deterioration in short-term fundamentals and part of that is due to the long-term belief in apartments going forward and so yes there's a short-term dislocation where we expect some move-outs that you know this year actually there are a lot of move-outs that we expect and so there's going to be a lot of doubling up folks moving back in with their families but then there's going to be pent up demand as we as that recovery takes hold next year and that will be released and so we see leasing to be through the roof next year and then out into 2022. Then at the same time as that demand story improves in the short term we see starts decelerating dramatically so we've we're going from a 400,000 unit run rate to about 200,000 units by the early part of next year. And so new production is going to get cut in half now that we don't get any benefit of that immediately so we have to wait till later part of 2022 and 2023 before we see that slowdown and production really lift fundamentals and so I think everyone is seeing that yes there's some short-term disruption in the multi-family market right now, but the long-term drivers are there and if you have the capital to wait out this very painful period in the short term then there will be major benefits after that we should see after next year.
Buck: Now one of the things you said I think earlier is that the worst is behind us do you believe that's the case in terms of rent growth and you know rent cuts and that sort of thing right now?
Ryan: I think the worst is behind us in terms of the economy. I think that going forward we should continue to produce job gains on a monthly basis, though this next report could see some layoffs we'll see the consensus is one million one and a half. In terms of multi-family we do not think the worst is behind us we think that fundamentals will continue to deteriorate into the early part of next year we think that you know kind of right now in terms of year over year rent growth in the early part of this year let's call it three, three and a half percent we've since gone down to zero percent in the second quarter. So on a quarterly basis we've seen some dramatic rent cuts, again this is on a national basis and then as we move forward we see occupancy dropping by about three percentage points into the early part of next year, rent declines of about eight percent through the remainder of this year into the first quarter of next year and so no we do think that there will be some deterioration and fundamentals going forward. On the flip side of that might present some opportunities and so any assets that were purchased specially in your space in terms of if they were bought at the top of the market at the end of last year in the early part of this year and now that value-add story isn't there where you might not be able to get the rent bumps that you were expecting so some of those assets will have to be recapitalized and so that might present some opportunity as the year progresses but again like you said we haven't seen that materialized so far.
Buck: Yeah that's the tricky part right I mean it's sort of like I think when you're on the buy side here you're saying well I mean these prices that we're seeing right now you know with prolonged you know low-interest rates which we can pretty much guarantee at this point for a period of time and then the pent-up demand. It's sort of like okay well I mean this actually might be one of the better times to buy if you consider what could potentially happen in the next you know 18 to 24 months in terms of you know explosive growth. When you look at those indicators that you're you know that you're talking about that may lead to some of the more explosive growth metrics what markets come to mind the most for you?
Buck: Now one of the things you said I think earlier is that the worst is behind us do you believe that's the case in terms of rent growth and you know rent cuts and that sort of thing right now?
Ryan: Yeah so our general geographic areas that we like we like the southeast, parts of Florida, Texas and the inner west. We really like Atlanta, we like South Florida though there's a little more pain in the short term some of our clients are saying it kind of in terms of you know rent collections you know northeast but also yeah LA but then South Florida is outperforming those two areas but still lagging some of these other markets. So we like the Texas markets long term the interwebs you have Phoenix, Denver, Salt Lake as well. We like Seattle that's an outlier on the west coast but then the other markets whereas in the Bay Area we expect those you know rent growth numbers to average four, four and a half percent which stack up really well across the nation but for those markets that's a recession pretty much and so compared to what's normal and the cap rates you have to pay the rent growth numbers there kind of you know lackluster. So the midwest the markets they won't be hit as hard but still they don't get that explosive growth going forward and so we really like the inner West Texas, southeast of Florida markets and you know part of that has been driven being driven by the migration flows. So domestic migration numbers have really helped out all of these markets we've seen outflows from the northeast boston new york the bay area Southern California we've seen migration outflows from those markets into the you know inner west you know Las Vegas the inland Phoenix, Denver you know people moving from the coast into those markets and then you know also parts of texas as well but then in terms of the northeast the flows that are coming in to the Nashvilles the Charlottes, Raleighs, Atlanta, Florida markets we and then also Texas as well and so those trends have been accelerated at least in the short term, but it's important to remember that those have been going on for a decade at least even more and then other markets and so it's not anything new but at the margin that will support many of these other markets.
Buck: Yeah on the west coast I mean there's that flight to Arizona as well right from California. One of the things that you know is worth talking about is what effect this has had you know the pandemic and the recession on the lending market, with Fannie and Freddie and you know how that might be playing into any of the growth or lack of growth.
Ryan: Yeah I think on the financing side you know debt for stabilized assets it's there and it's cheap you may have to you know have higher reserves than you've had typically but for the most part it's there and so that's part of the appeal of buying assets right now with these record low interest rates. So I think for stabilized assets yeah it's there for new construction it is dried up considerably and this is a change in the last 30 to 60 days and so the fed does a survey each quarter of banks and their tightening of multi-family construction lending standards and that the latest report shows 70 percent of banks tighten their multi-family construction loans last quarter which we haven't seen those levels since 2008/2009. And so I think part of it's the lenders are trying to make sense of what they have in terms of all these other asset types in terms of real estate or retail, lodging, office loans, they're trying to you know spend a lot of time working those out and so then you add on the uncertainty in terms of the economic recovery etc, they've pretty much put a halt on new construction loans. And so that's been a big change here in the last two months call it. Then on the equity side I think returns have been increased but still available and interested but you know a lot of you know equity and especially focusing in on the new starts pipeline if all the deals that have been started are continuing and it's kind of a mixed bag from our clients in terms of are you seeing delays or actually some other clients that reported these they were able to speed up the timing in terms of getting able to get trucks into sites very easily and then also the construction workers that were on you know working on hotels motels those have come into the apartment sector and so that's provided more manpower in terms of getting these deals done. And so those that were under construction are continuing to proceed, those that were capitalized I think that but haven't begun those have been they haven't pulled out completely they just said let's press pause to see let's say can we get any break in construction costs over the next several months and so the equity and banks they're still willing to do it move forward on those deals that have been capitalized but are you know slow playing it. And then you get to the others where there's land sites and they hadn't been entitled and haven't been capitalized those deals we think have been shelved for right now and so it kind of where some opportunity could be is on the land side of you know potentially purchasing some land sites that might be teed up for development as we get further along in this recovery.
Buck: Again one of the things that you're saying though in terms of construction loans not being there again it helps us for those of us who have apartment portfolios already that are already there that that again goes to the issue of a simple supply and demand issue which we can benefit from if there's not a whole lot of new builds. You know this is a major driving variable in in apartment buildings nationally can you give us a little bit of the idea of you know just not being able to keep up with you know population growth in various parts of the country, can you give us a little bit of you know sort of a thousand-foot view on the perspective on how big of an issue that actually is?
Ryan: I don't know if it's that big of an issue you know on on the whole and I think that you know some of these higher growth markets in terms of where we've you know call it the Atlantas and North Carolina markets, Central North Florida, Texas, the inner west regions where we've seen large population growth statistics you know high growth markets but they're also they also tend to be the highest in terms of supply for housing and so it's more easy to build in those markets especially you know out as you get away from the know central cities etc and so where we've seen the the biggest barriers to supply are out on the coast and so we've seen you know job growth be pretty good in those markets but the supply hasn't kept up at all and so that's why you're seeing you know these big you know rent affordability you know problems in the coastal markets and so we think that supply not keeping up with the population dynamics is more of a coastal problem but then you know as you get into the markets that are more accepting of new development then you know we've seen housing supply increase at a rapid clip in many of these other markets I think you know Austin you know even through the June of this year permit activity for multi-family continued to set it reached big big levels and so I think year to date in Austin it's already pulled permits on almost 10,000 units already which is you know huge numbers. And so I do think that while these population growth numbers and some of these markets are you know off the charts especially compared to you know some of the coastal markets, that supply has been able to keep up there and so yeah you see pockets of where you know rent growth you know bumps up to you know five, six percent levels, it's especially that was the case in Phoenix and Las Vegas over the past two to three years where those markets were leading in terms of rent increases but they tend to you know be markets that you know will accept more new supply and so that will tend to even out over the long term.
Buck: How's Vegas doing out of curiosity because that one was just crushing it. It seemed it seemed a little dangerous you know it seemed like one of those markets where it's like wow is it real or is it one of those things that's just gonna go back to Vegas.
Ryan: Yeah exactly and yeah kind of thinking that you know before kind of goes back to your comment earlier about people moving from the coast to getting in their car and driving to the riverside and then Las Vegas and Phoenix and so it was benefiting from a real out-migration from expensive coastal California. That said that just the nature of this pandemic crushing leisure and hospitality and the conference circuit that the job losses in Las Vegas I think you know through April into May led the nation. We've seen some a bit of a bounce back there but really the question is you know how fast does the the conference you know a circuit come back, how fast are people willing to travel to casinos, I know they have already, but I think that pre-corona the growth was real and yeah absolutely now it's a little bit different you know market in terms of the cost and you don't want to go in there and if you're a developer you don't you know want to build a high-rise there and so your strategy is a little bit different but so far it's held up relatively well, all things considered, but still a lot of weakness that is materializing in Vegas.
Buck: Interesting stuff. Well listen I don't want to keep you all day long, Ryan, but it's been great talking to you. Where can we learn more about your work?
Ryan: Sure. Probably the easiest is wittenadvisors.com you can go there, all our contact information is there, feel free to reach out with a phone call or send me an email anytime and I'll be happy to give you more details on the services that we provide and how we add value to many clients that are in either owner, operators, developers, equity or lender clients.
Buck: Fantastic thanks again and we'd love to have you again you know in a few months to reassess where we are at.
Ryan: All right. Sounds good. Looking forward to it.
Buck: We'll be right back

Church owned businesses

Weekend rundown Feb 21st-23rd

DEMOLITION DAYS, Part 47

continuing
As I was picking myself up off the shooter’s shack floor, I glanced over to the TV.
The ballplayers were all wandering around the field, looking skyward. Evidently, there was this hellacious explosion…even the television sports commentators were speculating as to what happened.
Whoops.
I looked out into the quarry. The wall that I had charged had receded some 75 feet.
There was rather a large amount of shattered, blasted dolomitic limestone now in the quarry. Enough, I found out later, for a full month’s worth of orders.
We never did find the blasting mats. I think they sort of evaporated.
Luckily, the quarry is essentially an open amphitheater in plan view; basically a big hole in the ground with vertical limestone walls. The shockwave of the blast that didn’t spend itself shattering the limestone into which it was housed, blew out laterally, hit the opposite quarry wall, rebounded, and then dispersed, rather energetically, vertically upward.
I set off car alarms for a 20 block radius.
There were no broken home windows, as the lion’s share of the shock wave was redirected upward.
Good thing there were no low flying zeppelins or dirigibles in the area...
I waited the requisite time to allow for any loafers. There were none, so I jumped into the nearest wheel loader and began clearing the quarry floor. Hell, I had to so I could open the front gate.
As I was clearing the floor, making pile number eight of the loose rock I had liberated, I heard the characteristic whoop-whoop of emergency vehicles.
I parked the wheel loader, opened the front gate, and raised the green flag. That was enough blasting for one day.
A few minutes later, three police cars zoom into the site. Two were local city cops, and one was a state trooper.
“Hi, guys!” I waved, “Nice day, innit?”
“Doctor Rock! We should have known.” One of the local boys groaned.
“Hey, I did call you beforehand, as per procedure,” I said.
Polack the cop walks up, just knowing I was responsible. “Yeah, but we didn’t figure on you terrorizing the entire city.”
“Polack! How goes it?” I asked.
The other local cop and the state trooper look to Polack, “You know this maniac?”
“Oh, hell yeah. For years. Don’t worry, the good doctor is mostly harmless.” He chuckles.
“Damn. OK. I guess everything’s OK. Just no more shooting today, please, Doctor. It’s going to take hours to calm everyone down.” He laments.
“Yes, sir. I’m done for the day.” I reply, snickering slightly.
The one local and state trooper depart, shaking their heads in amazement. This left Polack to follow me over to the shooter’s shack to mooch a cigar and whatever else he can find.
“Jesus Hula-Dancing Christ, Rock. What the hell was that? I was all the way out in Whitewatosa and heard you.” He asks as he sneakily snakes a smoke out of my case.
“Just some common chemicals in the proper proportions.” I snicker.
“Which were?” he asks.
I go in the back of the shed and toss him an empty container of one of the parts of the binaries I used. He catches it, reads the label, and drops it like a live grenade.
“Binaries? Fuck! Like what you used at the tower?” he asks.
“Yep. I used just a little more.” I reply.
“Little more? Damn, as I said, we’ve been briefed on the stuff. This shit’s nasty.” He shakes his head.
“Yeah. Fun, too.” I reply.
Polack grabs a Sprechler’s Cream Soda out of the fridge as I opt for a cold Cream Ale and shot of potato juice. Hell, I was done for the day, so…
We sit around and have a chat, just shooting the shit, as it were. Manly topics, so the conversation eventually steered over to guns.
“Hey!” Polack remembers, “That’s right! You fucking owe me. Let me borrow that fucking cannon you carry. I want to show the chief a thing or two.”
“Yeah, that’s right”, I agree, “When do you need it?”
“This Friday, after shift. It’s the monthly qualifiers for us.” He notes.
“Are pyromaniacs allowed in?” I ask.
“To observe? Sure. To shoot? Nope. Insurance regulations.” He says.
“What time?” I continue.
“1800 hours.” He tells me.
“I’ll be there. I’ll bring my gun and an assortment of loads. Hey, this could be fun!” I evilly smile.
“Doctor. You’re doing that thing again. You’re grinnin’ like a shithouse rat. You know how much that scares me. Stop it.” He pleads.
“No worries. Friday at 1800 hours.” I reply, grinning.
Polack slurps down his Sprechlers, snitches another stogie, and squeals out of the quarry in a cloud of dense dolomitic dust.
I arrive back at our flat, after stopping for two frozen custard Turtle Sundaes, to go. I give one to an appreciative wife and I ask her about her day.
“Oh, went shopping with Oma. Got the cutest shoes, and a new purse, and…oh well, never mind. You’ll see.”
Between bites of Turtle Sundae, she asks how my day went.
“Oh, my dear. I had a real blast.” I replied, not lying in the least.
Monday, after my first classes, I’m back in the faculty lounge, savoring a Greenland Coffee.
There was the usual instructor chatter when Dean Vermiculari walks in.
“Good morning, Dean!” I say. “Care for a sit-down and a coffee?”
“Good morning, Doctor Rock. Yes, please to both.” He replies.
I fix us both a fresh Greenland Coffee and return to our table. I hand him one and sit down to savor my soupçon.
“How was your weekend?” I ask the Dean of the College.
“Oh, very nice. Had a fine time catching some perch and crappie out on Lake Genever. I see you had a victorious weekend as well. Twice.” He smiles.
“Twice?” I asked.
“Well, your handling of the tower demolition made all the papers. Very, very well done, Doctor. I congratulate you.” He smiles.
“Thank you, Dean. That means a lot. Just doing what I can with what I’ve got. But twice?” I replied.
“It wasn’t front-page news, but I saw there was some, well, let us just say, ‘energetic activity’ out at the Silurian reef limestone quarry yesterday.” He grinned.
“Oh, yes. I had a job to do and well, as I always say: ‘Nothing succeeds like excess.” I smile back.
“Quite. This beverage you’ve created is really rather extraordinary, Doctor. Again, I thank you.” He tips his mug my direction in the age-old Midwestern salute.
“It’s a little recipe I picked up on my last expedition to the northlands. I grew rather fond of the concoction.” I replied.
“Ah, I see. Marvelous.” He smiles.
“Thank you, Dean. High praise indeed.” I reply.
“Which leads me to…ah, Doctor Rock. I have another favor to impose upon you.” He says, all serious.
“Yes, Dean? How can I be of service?” I ask.
“We, as you no doubt know, have many, many fine extractive mineral company connections. We actually receive quite a large amount of funding and endowments from them. They recruit here extensively for our young geoscientists. Now, since Dr. Pataariki has left for industry himself, I would like to appoint you as the College of Natural Sciences corporate liaison.” He explains.
“Indeed?” I replied, too stunned for words for once.
“Yes, indeed.” He continues, “It will require travel, mostly domestic, and delivering symposia at various companies on differing extractive geological subjects. You will also serve as host and university coordinator when they are present on recruiting tours. There will, of course, be additional remuneration to accompany the added responsibilities.”
I slurped my coffee, thinking furiously.
“Could I please first discuss it with my wife before I answer?” I ask.
“Oh, Doctor. Of course, of course. Take your time. I will not require a reply until… tomorrow.” He smiles, finishes his coffee, thanks me again, and toddles out.
“Yow, Es!” I exclaim, “This is one hell of an opportunity. It’s never before been offered to a junior professor. This will cement my tenure-track. It’s going to be a bitch with time, though. What do you think I should do?”
“Well, Rock, honey, I think you should do…” Es begins.
“No! None of that ‘do what you think is best’ stuff. I want your own thoughts, just like when I decided to go after my doctorate.” I explained.
“OK, then.” Esme looks all serious like she’s going to deliver a bipartisan political speech.
“Yes.” She says, firmly
“That’s it?” I ask.
“Yep. You asked I answered. We’ll make it work. We always do. You can’t let the Dean down. You will accept tomorrow without fear or qualms of your wife’s hesitations, of which I harbor none.” Esme proclaims.
“Did I ever tell you of the myriad reasons I love you so?” I ask.
The next morning I meet with Dean Vermiculari. He’s pleased that I accept and hands over to me the charter. Then the lists of company representatives, their contact information, and some other secret stuff that I can’t divulge right yet.
A raft of oil companies will be coming in the late spring semester, so I need to contact each and every one to solidify dates, times and positions for which they’re recruiting. But that’s for then, I have something more proximal for now.
I have a Friday appointment with Polack the cop at the town police shooting range.
I arrive spot on time with my Casull .454 Magnum pistol, in its carry bag, along with a small duffel crammed with Pyrodex, Tannerite, and selection of specialty loads I had Herman the German, the inveterate gunsmith, create.
Herman the German, his actual sobriquet, was this incredible gunsmith, craftsman, and all-around artillery specialist. Have any sort of problem with a rifle, shotgun, or pistol? See Herman. Gun holding too high? See Herman. Barrel warped? See Herman. Need solid gold projectiles for a certain one-off job? See Herman.
Herman the German can sort it out.
Just never ask him: “How?”
“Ach! I’ve lived so long to learn, and you want it free? I’ll fix it, you pay, but I am only one knowing how!”
Herman was a cranky old Kraut, and has lived here for as long as anyone can remember. Even my Grandfather had deferred to Herman when he had some particularly delicate machining operation that need special attention and was unique.
As far as anyone knew, Herman had no family, but was never at a loss for friends. He was one of the most popular, and well known, but still oddly really unknown, kind of mysterious, old bastards in the entire community.
Herman the German liked me because I could obtain for him certain high-energy things he couldn’t. All were entirely legal, but some were sort of out there in the gray zone.
He also liked that I was educated, as he held education in the highest esteem. He also liked that I was of German extraction myself.
I often made it a point to drop by with odd and unusual high-octane potables while never expecting anything in return other than a story or a shared cigar.
Herman created some special loads for my .454 Magnum, which he prized.
“I like your gun, Doctor Rock, it is so big! I can still see well enough to build things for it.” He told me one day over cheroots and Schnapps.
Herman was a character to be certain. It must have been the pixie in him to dream up some of the specialty rounds he created for me to share with the local constabulary.
He lived out in the county by himself in an old farmhouse. He had a full machine shop in his basement, complete with forge, metal handling equipment, and a firing test range.
He handed back my .454, rather solemnly.
“Doctor, I am afraid to say I couldn’t test all the special rounds I’ve created for you. I need to patch the hole in the cinder blocks in the downstairs range. Your gun punched right through the back…” he apologized.
Now, Herman does all sorts of work on the local’s deer rifles, the police’s ordinance and has even worked some with the Baja Canada National Guard. Some of the little novelties he’s dreamed up for me are the first to escape his homemade basement test range.
I felt oddly honored.
After proving who I was to the nice range officer, I looked around trying to find Polack.
“It’s 1550. Where the hell is Polack? I wondered.
“Rock! Over here.” Polack calls to me.
He motions me outside to the police department’s tactical outdoor range. I had thought all along he was referring to the indoors police target range. This might pose some problems.
The tactical range was a series of clapboard shacks, all setup and designed to represent some downtrodden urban inter-city landscape. There were a couple of junked cars, broken sidewalks, storefronts, houses, bus stops…in short, all things necessary to replicate the seediest sections of a settlement where malefactors live and breed.
The cops all run around this range, shooting at bad guy pop-up cut-outs and avoid the not-bad-guy pop-up cut-outs. They’ve got music blaring, firecrackers going off, all trying to re-create a shady deeply urban environment. Points are awarded by the accuracy of fire on the run, time to maneuver the course, and the ability of not gunning down innocent bystanders.
It is not the best place to test a .454 Cusall. This hand cannon recoils like a fundamentalist Christian being solicited for donations to Anton LaVey, shoots flames and incandescent gasses like Smaug after a hard night of drinking and a stop at the Taco Bell buffet, is louder than a dime-store Karen demanding to see a Manager, and more powerful than a Ghost Pepper suppository.
To quote Joe Piscopo: “It shoots through schools.” Especially faux-schools made of plywood.
A .32 or .38 cop special is the correct weapon here; even a 9mm is a little heavy. Enough power to make a serious dent, easy on control, light on the recoil…a good tactical weapon.
But, nothing succeeds like excess.
Polack’s Chief is running around, capping off his ‘big ol’ .44 Magnum, and making the valley echo. He punches considerable holes in the pop-up cut-outs, but has such a hard time handling the recoil, his score is barely passable.
Polack runs his test with his standard 9mm sidearm and qualifies easily. However, he’s nowhere near done with his Chief yet.
I suggest to Polack we have a shoot-off. And since a .44 Magnum bullet ‘is so close to a .454 Magnum’, which it isn’t…the .454 Casull generates nearly 85% more recoil energy than the .44 Magnum; that we’d need something other than holes punched in plywood to judge the efficacy of each.
We are literally just down the road from Max Yazzer’s farm and market. They’re the place you go for your Halloween jack-o-lantern. However, now, he has a surplus of melons.
I think you can see where this is headed…
I borrow Polack’s personal conveyance and run down to Max’s farm. I return with a trunk-load of elderly, overripe, cheap as chips, melons. Watermelons, Honeydews, Musks, and Casabas.
We place them in strategic areas on the course, five for the Chief to find, and five for Polack.
A .44 vs. a .454 melon-wise results in pretty much the same sort of mess: high-velocity fruit spatter. Although, the Chief was very impressed by the report of the .454. So, after running the tactical-melon course, clear demarcation of a winner was elusive.
OK, OK, clever dicks. How about this? A standing shoot-off? We’ll set up 3 melons each at 30, 20, and 10 yards. Beginning at 30 yards, your time will be until you take out all three melons. But, they’re not going to be in a straight line, we’re going to make them somewhat camouflaged. You will stand in one small demarcated area, hunt those miscreant melons, and bring them to justice. Fastest time and greatest display wins, as determined by the Police Peanut Gallery.
Polack and the Chief agree.
The Chief goes first and dispatches the melons, with a fair amount of spatter, in 15.3 seconds.
Not bad.
Polack is next. He wipes out all the melons and creates some thoroughly impressive displays with Herman’s ‘special’ rounds. Normal ballistics for the .454 are, for a 250 grain (16 g) bullet, a muzzle velocity of over 2,400 feet per second, developing up to 2,800 ft-lb of energy.
Herman’s hot loads are double that.
Polack wins the day on impressive high-velocity melon distribution, but misses, so close, with a time of 17.0 seconds.
Recoil’s a bitch.
Then there are Herman’s ‘specialties’.
The Chief is duly impressed and even comments that his ears are ringing even with the ear protectors. He asks to inspect the weapon. He is even more than duly impressed.
Polack knows what’s up and asks the Chief if he’d like to give a whirl.
Of course, the Chief can’t back down.
Polack loads the .454 with 5 of Herman’s specialties: hollow-point rounds loaded hot, compressed, and tipped with alkaline earth metals, like metallic sodium and metallic potassium…
We set up the nastiest, glorpiest, just barely-holding-together, overripe, laced with Tannerite (an impact-actuated low-explosive) watermelon at the ‘Concealed Carry’ distance of 5 meters.
We slowly fade back into the distance to avoid the inevitable ‘Gallagher reaction’.
The Chief fires one, and just nicks the top of the melon. Don’t laugh, with the type of recoil and heft of the sidearm, and tensing up in anticipation, it’s easy to be off the mark initially.
The second round impacts dead-center. Now, alkaline earth metals and water don’t get along really well. In fact, their relationship is explosive. Especially explosive when delivered at 2,900 feet per second.
The Chief catches a huge smattering of vitamin-packed watermelony back blast goo.
He’s not entirely happy. He looks positively grisly with all that blown-up melon schmoo on his nice, neat uniform.
He returns my gun and bans me from ever showing up at the police range again.
Polack is on traffic duty for the next month.
He figures it was well worth it.
Back at the flat, Esme is shaking her head and wondering if I’ll ever grow up.
“I may grow old, but I’ll never grow up.” I reply.
I see I have several missed phone calls. Ah, me; no rest for the weary. Back to company-university liaison duties.
After I had contacted these companies, I receive no less than 12 requests for symposia, talks, and seminars to be given to various level of industrial scientific employees in their respective companies.
I am now slated to give academic conferences on stratigraphy, sedimentology, and seismic structural geology to different companies in Houston, Oklahoma City, Denver, Casper, Corpus Christi, New Orleans, and Tulsa. In the next 12 weeks, I’ll be giving no less than 8 talks in seven cities.
I speak with Dean Vermiculari on how best to handle the situation. He understands and appoints two graduate student teaching assistants to handle my classes while I’m on the road. That relieves me of being physically there, but I still have to grade papers, compose lesson plans, and keep things running smoothly until finals.
Besides giving the talks, there’s travel to oil fields, production facilitates, manufacturing plants, hotels, restaurants while I’m in town…the pace is excruciating. I’m gone more than I am at university. Plus in my time back home, I’m still the ad hoc master blaster for the limestone quarry.
Then, there’s the companies arriving on campus, and the roles are reversed. Now I’m the welcome wagon and have to sort out the logistics of receiving the company representatives. I need to set up the colloquia to introduce the companies to the prospective students, arrange lodging, arrange passes for the university, transportation, “Meet-and-Greet’s, ad infinitum.
I knew this was having a bit of effect on me when I came back to the flat after one particularly grueling ordeal of canceled flights, full hotels, missed connections and lukewarm reception by the company workers.
“Hello”, I said, as I walked in the flat, “I believe you have a reservation for…”
Esme just stood there, wondering if I was having a laugh.
No, I wasn’t. I was completely hallucinating from road weariness, lack of sleep, jet lag, and total disorientation. This continued on for the next approximately 18 months.
Esme was beginning to have second thoughts about all this.
My teaching load was diminished by one whole introductory course. However, I was still flying hither and yon, delivering symposia, meeting with young geoscientists and getting to know the ins-and-outs of the Oil Industry.
I found it particularly fascinating.
Time marched on and it was once again it was the recruiting season. We had no less than eight oil companies visiting the university in their quest to swell the roster of their junior scientists.
I’m still busier than a one-armed paperhanger in a windstorm, but have settled into a groove of sorts. I know the company recruiters and they now know me. I’ve actually struck up friendships with several. Particularly since I take them to the best local restaurants and bars after their recruiting duties are finished.
I’ve met with recruiting representatives of Shrill Petrol, Mexxon, Nobil, Nocono Oil, Flug, Geddy, Brutish Petroleum, and Qexaco.
The recruiting season is winding down and I find myself with Red (not Adair), of Nocono Oil.
“Well, Doctor Rock”, Red states, “Another fine recruiting run. We’ve snagged two of your young geologists and one geophysicist. I’d say it was almost a perfect score.”
We’re sitting in the Norton’s Steakhouse. After a couple of prime pink porterhouses, we’re working on the post-dinner double vodka and bitter lemon for me, and Lagavulin for Red.
“Almost perfect?” I ask.
“Yeah. There’s been this one small nagging concern from our company higher-ups.” Red continues.
“What’s that?” I ask.
“We need some more senior people. For one thing, we’ve recently opened a new petroleum laboratory down in our Houston office. Going to need some serious talent to run that show.” Red says.
“I see”, I reply, “And…?”
“We need mentors. Those with varied and far-flung knowledge. They must be well educated, global in experience and stature, with an [ahem] diverse set of skills.” Red notes.
“Whew”, I agree, “That’s a tall order. You want my help with names of possible candidates? Is that it?”
“Not as such, Doctor.” Red drains his drink, motions for me to do the same, and orders another round.
Our drinks arrive and Red downs half his in one gulp.
“Well, then”, I continue, “How can I help?”
Red chuckles, “For someone so educated, you can really be thick as two short planks at times.”
I sit back, and sip my Old Thought Provoker.
The mercury-vapors light off.
“No!” I say, incredulously.
“Oh, yes.” Red smiles.
“No?” I ask, slowly taking in the possible effects of what he’s hinting at…
“OK, Doctor Rocknocker”, Red gets all serious and corporate, “We’d like to offer you a position at Nocono Oil as Senior Laboratory Manager and Head of Corporate Continuing Education.”
You could have knocked me over with a grenade. I was stunned. I fumbled with my drink.
“Red, you old con artist” I reply, “Is this a set-up?”
Red, serious as a heart attack, looks directly at me and replies, “Doctor Rock, absolutely not, it’s a genuine offer.”
He slides over a folder with some papers inside. “Here are the particulars.”
Reeling, I accept the folder. I open it and right after the corporate logos and legal bullshit, I see a tall figure with a whole raft of zeros trailing behind it.
I read furiously. The job would be both interesting and challenging. It would be in Houston, with travel and teaching at all other company outposts on a regular basis. I reexamine that figure from before and verify that I’m not now hallucinating.
The job comes with furnished, corporate-paid housing, incredible benefits, loads of opportunity for advancement, more opportunity to travel, really generous vacation time…
“Right. On the level?” I ask again.
“Yep.” Red bluntly says.
“Well”, I gulp, “you know I have to discuss this with Esme”, whom he’s met several times previous.
“Of course, and you probably want to finish out the semester, correct?” red asks.
“Oh, yes.” I reply. There would be a monsoon of paperwork and other grunt work I’d need to conclude or hand over if I were to accept this offer.
“OK, then”, Red finishes his drink, motions for me to do the same, a real rarity; but I was in another dimension at this point. He orders another round and sits back, waiting on a refill.
“You have two weeks to reply” Red states.
“I know that’s not a terribly long time, but we need to fill this position ASAP. Can I ask for that? Your answer, yea, or nay, within a fortnight?” Red demands.
“Yes”, I reply. “I at least owe you that.”
And that was the end of the discussion for the night about me joining the private sector. We stayed a few more hours, chatting, smoking my cigars, and discussing everything but the lumbering elephant in the room.
We part outside as I need to head back to our flat. Red wants to go downtown to one of those “Gentleman’s Clubs” he’s heard were so famous at the time.
I was flummoxed the whole cab ride home.
It was late when I returned, but I simply had to wake Es with the news.
“Rock, for pity’s sake, its 2 o’clock in the morning!” Es protests. “Can’t this wait until later?”
“Sorry, my dear” I reply, probably as serious as I ever had with Esme. “This is a potential game-changer.”
“What is it? Are you OK?” Esme trembles.
“Oh, I’m fine. Better than fine.” I reply.
She’s relieved.
“Then what’s so important?” she asks.
“Um…how would you like to move to Houston?” I ask.
“You going to teach at Cougar High (University of Houston)?” she inquires.
“Nope. Brace yourself. I’ve been offered a job with Nocono Oil.” I finally spill the beans.
Esme is slightly stunned and sits down.
I go to the wet bar, fix me a bracing potato juice and citrus and Esme a stiff white Zinfandel.
I hand her the wine and she is still semi-dazed and digesting the information.
I slurp a good portion of my drink, retrieve her Sobranjes and me a cigar from my Turkmenistan humidor.
I sit on the couch next to her and hug her soundly.
“Esme? Es? Earth to Es? You in there?” I joke.
“Oh, Yeah. Rock. Really? Hang on”, she leaves, returning with her housecoat as this might take a little time.
“So?” I ask, “Your thoughts. Now! Immediately! Initial reaction!” I try to jar her back into reality.
“Well, what do you want?” she asks.
“C’mon, my dearest. You know I hate that. No, what do you think? What do you honestly think?” I reply.
We both fire up our smokes, and I refresh our drinks. We return to the dinner table where Red’s folder lies.
“Es, here. Look at this.” I say, sliding the portfolio over to her.
She reads like a hungry man at a Vegas casino buffet. I can tell where she was stopped by something extraordinary.
“This is for real?” she asks, “Red’s not pulling a fast one?”
“Nope. It’s the genuine article”, I tell her, “He needs my reply within two weeks.”
“Rock, Rock…I just don’t know. It’s a lot to process at 0230 in the morning. Let’s go to bed and have a think in the morning. You have the luxury of at least that amount of time.” She notes.
“Right again, as usual”, I say, “Stuff it. It can wait.” We toddle off to bed.
The next morning, over Cuban omelets and Greenland Coffees, we sort through the particulars.
“Rock, it’s an extraordinary offer. But, do you want to leave teaching? I remember how you got all animated by Dean Vermiculari giving you the corporate liaison job and how that would improve your shot at tenure.” She notes.
“I just don’t know. I’m still shell-shocked.” I tell her. “Let me go to school and we’ll pick this up tonight. We both have work to do no matter what. Oh, bloody hell. I hadn’t considered your job. Another wrinkle in the mess.”
“Don’t you worry about that”, Esme smiles. “One catastrophe at a time.”
“I do so love you.” I hug her soundly. “Think I should mention this offer to anyone at school?”
“No. Definitely not.” Esme shakes her head. “Let’s figure this out on our own.”
“I agree”, I say, kiss her and depart for school once again.
The next week was a blur. Recruiting duties were dragging and I was being preoccupied.
Even my students noted the lack of in-room explosions lately.
I spend the next Saturday at the quarry, doing some small amount of blasting. I quiz the quarry owners about their progress in acquiring a new master for the quarry’s operation.
“Oh, Doctor Rock” they gush, “You’re doing such a fine job, we haven’t really looked. Why do you ask?”
“No particular reason at this time, I reply, “But perhaps you might want to begin looking”
The chinks in my armor were finally starting to show.
Sunday was spent out on Sliver Lake, with Esme and me chasing the elusive crappie, perch, and bucketmouth bass. It also gave us a chance to clear our heads from work, school and other such intrusions. We both needed a bit of downtime.
Later that night, after a meal of beer-battered fillet of crappie and perch on the barbie, we sit down at the dinner table.
The portfolio sits there, taunting us.
I get up, makes us both our drinks, sit down and declare that this is it.
“Es, darling” I say, “its nut-cuttin’ time. We need to make our decision.”
“You’re right.” Es agrees, “Time for risk-reward analysis. Get some paper and some pencils.”
We spend the next few hours listing the pros and cons of accepting the Houston position or staying here and pursuing my tenured professorship.
After several hours, I stretch, stand, and go to the fridge. I retrieve the bottle of Bollinger Les Vieilles Vignes Francaises I had purchased the other day.
I return to the table with the wine and the glasses, pop the cork and pour us both a glass of high-brow bubble water.
I hug and kiss Esme like I had just returned from a long, solo expedition.
“Esme, my darling. I’d like to propose a toast. First to us. Hа здоровый!”
“Cheers!” Esme replies.
“Secondly to Red, Dean Vermiculari, the quarry guys, Polack the Cop, and all the others that makes our life weird around here.”
“Seconded”, Es echoes.
“Finally: to Houston, Texas. Our new home!” I finally add.
The next morning, Dean Vermiculari peers over the top of his pince-nez glasses. He’s not looking overly happy with me right now.
“Why is it, Doctor, that everyone that receives the job of corporate liaison ends up going with corporate?” he asks.
“Perhaps it’s just the exposure to another world that exists beyond academia.” I reply, truthfully.
“Doctor Rocknocker,” the Dean gravely states, “I am not at all happy about your decision. We had great hopes for you here and you were riding right up the tenure track. Another five years and it would have been assured.”
“Five years is a long time, Dean”, I state the obvious.
“Yes, indeed.” The Dean replies frostily. “However, you are young. Perhaps you need to get this private sector nonsense out of your system, then you can return to academia where you belong.”
“Perhaps, perhaps”, I reply.
“Please, do consider this option down the road. You and your antics will be missed here, by students and faculty alike.” He says.
“I will, Dean, I promise.” I reply “However, for now, it’s time for my boot heels to be wanderin’.”
“Doctor, I will miss your strange and unique way of looking at life. I reluctantly accept your resignation at the end of the current semester and wish you all the best in your newest endeavors. Please remember us when corporate support for academia is mentioned in your new company.” he says.
“I promise you, Dean, I will not forget what I’ve learned here and what you’ve taught. It’s the least I can do,” I reply. “I will never forget my roots.”
“All I can ask”, he concludes. He stands to shake my hand. We shake and my audience is over.
I resign from the quarry a week later. They haven’t found a new blaster but wish me well on my new journey. I tell them I’m here until the end of the semester, so I won’t leave them high and dry.
I tell Polack the Cop about all the goings-on.
“Who the hell can I roust for beer and cigars now?” He whines. “Let me know when you get to Texas if they need any cops. I wouldn’t mind trying’ that. Hell, maybe a Texas Ranger!”
“A Cheesehead Ranger…?” I assure him I will and pass a box of cigars to him as a parting gift. He gives me a mayoral-signed get-out-of-jail-free card.
“Now you can drive that old Harley just as crazy as you want.” He chuckles.
“Thanks, Polack.” I say, shaking his hand. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I sold my bike a week earlier.
Red was very chuffed with the news.
“Snagged me a big one this time!’ He laughed, over the phone.
There was enough paperwork, considerations and decisions to be made to last the remaining time Esme and I had in-state until our move. Already, a moving company had arrived, done inventory, and was preparing for our move to Houston.
Esme resigned her position and decided she wanted to take some time off. She wanted to be a housewife, a colleague, and not have to work for once at an outside job. My new position allowed for that in spades. Besides with her credentials, anytime when she wants to re-join the workforce, there are myriad opportunities in the Bayou City.
We made the choice of housing out west of town, in Katy, Texas. We could have chosen Sugarland, Addicks, Greenspoint, Greenway, or the Memorial area. However, these west Houston company properties were closest to the job and largest in square footage.
My students got wind of my resignation and relocation. They threw me an unexpected farewell party at the Gast Haus. It was nickel-beer night and since they were footing the bill, it all worked out just fine.
I would miss the old place. The camaraderie, the seasons, the university; hell my home these last many years. I’ve been on many, many expeditions, but I always returned home.
Now, home was moving and was awaiting our arrival.
Esme and I said our farewells to our families as well. We were the first through college, the first ones to travel international, the first Doctor in the family, and the first to leave the state.
That’s a lot of familial firsts.
I had to keep reminding everyone it wouldn’t be the last. Hell, we’re just moving to Texas, it’s not like we’re off to Greenland or Mongolia…
[Gasp]
We saddled up Es’s old Chevy Nova, took one last, lingering look in the rearview mirror, and said fare thee well to our previous lives.
“We’ll be back. Someday. I promise” I told the city of our youth and young married adulthood.
We decided to drive to Houston because we had the luxury of a bit of time. We needed the stretch to chew over some interpersonal and private things on the way to the next chapter in our lives. Besides, the weather was good, the roads ahead open and clear, and Texas had no ‘Open Container’ law, yet.
We pointed the old Nova south and hit the gas.
A week later, we’re wandering around our new house in Katy, Texas. Our belongings, scant though they may be, arrived the day after we did. Esme and I spent the next couple of day rearranging the house, buying necessary domestic bits and pieces, and getting to know our new neighborhood.
First thing, though, Esme wanted to replace the old Nova. I concurred, but insisted we keep it as a second car and went out to purchase our first new car as a couple.
I wanted a Land Rover. We ended up with a glossy black Toyota 4-Runner. Close enough.
I was scheduled to show up at my new job the next Monday.
I had my own parking spot, complete with “Reserved for Dr. Rock” painted on the bumper block. I was shown my new lab and was introduced to my seven laboratory assistants. I was shown the catalogs I could use to order what I needed and went over the requisition procedures.
I was trotted around to meet the company CEO, CFO, CIO, VPs and many, many more company executives and managers. I’ve met with presidents and heads of state, I was impressed but not overly. They seemed like a more or less nice bunch of chaps.
Almost exactly five weeks to the day from our arrival in Houston, I come home, yelling “Darling, I’m home!”
Esme comes to greet me with a rib-rearranging hug. She tells me to sit at the dinner table, where my long hard day at the office drink, cigar, ashtray, and lighter are already set.
“How was work, dear?” she asks, sitting down with her Perrier water.
“Oh, it’s going great. The knotheads let me have an open-ended budget until I get the labs sorted just the way I want it. These guys pay their bills on time and I have carte blanche at Wards Scientific, and other supply houses. My crew is great, no interpersonal crapola, and hard workers. I can smoke in my office and no one dares give me shit about my cigars. I’m getting to know the exploration department quite well. They’re really interested in our expeditions and are more interested in my opinions of their new exploration directives.”
Esme just smiles and sips her water.
“Odd”, I thought.
“That’s great, dear.” She says. “I am so glad to hear it.”
“Me too”, I say, “How are you holding up after all these weeks alone?”
“Oh, I’m getting used to it.” She smiles.
And smiles. Beatifically. Glowing.
“What?” I ask.
“Remember what we talked about in the car on the way down here?” She asks.
“We talked about a lot of things…” I say, suddenly my eyes grew very, very wide indeed.
“Yes. You’re going to be a father. I’m pregnant, Rock.” Esme smiles.

Percy Jackson and the Olympians Season 1 Episode 5 (pt 1)

I know this took a really long time, hope you guys like it.
If you work for Disney, this is a pitch.

Cast
Jack Dylan Grazer as Percy Jackson
Cassidy Nugent as Annabeth Chase
Nick Palatas as Grover Underwood
Liv Tyler as the Nereid
Sylvester Stallone as Gabe Ugliano
Barbra Walters as herself
Vin Diesel as Crusty
Idris Elba as Charon
Andy Serkis as Evil Voice
Hugo Weaving as Hades
Dwayne Johnson as Ares

Percy Jackson and the Olympians:
Season one episode five: “And I Thought Airport Security Was Ridiculous” or “Will the Real Lightning Thief Please Stand Up?” screenplay
INT – LAS VEGAS TAXI CAB – EARLY NOON
PERCY, ANNABETH and GROVER get into the back of a taxi cab.
CABBY:
(Bored, uninterested, cigar in mouth)
Where to, kids?
ANNABETH:
(Calm, confident)
Los Angeles, please.
CABBY:
(Raises eyebrow, puffs on cigar)
Dat’s three hundred miles from here, miss. You’ll have to pay upfront.
ANNABETH:
Do you take casino debit cards?
CABBY:
Depends. I’ll have to give it a swipe.
ANNABETH hands the cab driver her LotusCash card, and he looks at it skeptically. He rolls his eyes and swipes it, and the meter begins rattling and the lights on it flash. When an infinity symbol appears on the meter, the cabby’s cigar drops out of his mouth in shock.
CABBY:
(Shocked, excited)
W-where in Los Angeles, your highness?
ANNABETH:
(Sits up a little, smiles)
Santa Monica pier, please. Get us there by evening, and you can keep the change.
The cabby slams down the gas pedal, and several cars honk at him as he flies down the street. As they head through the Mojave desert, PERCY tells ANNABETH and GROVER about the dream he had before they went to the Lotus Hotel and Casino.
PERCY:
… And then the voice in the pit saw me. He showed me my mother… and a black throne carved with faces screaming in agony. And then…
(Gulps)
… The undead soldiers put a red robe and a laurel of thorns on me… and then I became one of them.
GROVER:
Well that got dark fast.
PERCY:
There’s something else. The guy in the cloak, the Lightning Thief, called the voice something… The… “Something” One…
ANNABETH:
(Disappointed, blunt)
Well that’s incredibly unspecific. Was it the Rich One? The Silent One? Those are both nicknames for HADES.
PERCY:
(Unsure)
Maybe…
GROVER:
Well, the throne sounds like the way HADES’S throne is described. Black obsidian carved with faces of damnation.
PERCY:
Yeah but… the throne wasn’t the main part of the dream. And the voice in the pit… I dunno, it just doesn’t feel like the voice of a god. It seemed… older.
ANNABETH’S eye get wide with dread.
PERCY:
(Concerned)
What? What’s wrong?
ANNABETH:
(A bit uneasy)
N-nothing. I was just thinking… no. It has to be HADES. He probably sent the Lightning Thief to steal the MASTER BOLT, and something must’ve went wrong-
PERCY:
Like what?
ANNABETH:
I-
(Reluctant)
-I don’t know. But to steal something as important as the MASTER BOLT, and the fact that ZEUS has his best trackers on the job, a lot of stuff could go wrong. So, the thief could’ve hidden the bolt, or maybe even lost it. Anyway, the thief failed to deliver the BOLT to HADES, that’s what the voice in your dream said, right? The Lightning Thief failed. That explains what the Furies were looking for when they attacked us on the bus. They probably thought we had the BOLT.
PERCY notices a hint of anxiety in ANNABETH’S eyes, and sees that she seems to be shaking a bit.
PERCY:
(Suspicious, confused)
But… if HADES thinks I already have the BOLT, why would I be coming to the UNDERWORLD?
GROVER:
To blackmail him into giving your mom back.
PERCY:
(Surprised)
You know, you have pretty dark thoughts for a goat.
GROVER:
(Blunt)
Thanks.
PERCY:
But… the voice said he was waiting for two items. If the MASTER BOLT’S one, what’s the other?
GROVER shrugs.
PERCY:
(Turns to ANNABETH, knowing look in his eyes)
You know what it is, don’t you? The voice in the pit?
ANNABETH:
(Hesitant, worried)
PERCY, I… let’s not talk about it. It’s probably HADES.
PERCY:
(Thinking)
I just… I just feel like there’s something we’re still missing.
ANNABETH:
(Uneasy)
Well, I guess we’ll find the answer in the UNDERWORLD.
PERCY forlornly looks out the window at the desert scenery whizzing past.
EXT – SANTA MONICA BEACH - SUNSET
The kids head to the edge of the surf.
ANNABETH:
Well? What now?
PERCY stares out over the ocean, and gets a longing look in his eyes. He takes a deep breath, taking in the ocean air, and slowly steps into the water.
ANNABETH:
(Surprised, worried)
PERCY? What are you-
PERCY ignores her, and continues walking into the water.
GROVER:
Dude, do you have any idea how polluted that water is?
ANNABETH:
(Concerned)
PERCY, get out of there. You’ll grow a third-
Once PERCY gets chest deep into the water, he dives under, disappearing from ANNABETH and GROVER’S view.
EXT – UNDER THE PACIFIC OCEAN – SAME TIME
PERCY holds his breath at first, then remembers he can breathe underwater, and lets himself breathe normally.
PERCY:
That’s gonna take some getting used to.
He looks around the water, curious, then notices a mako shark right beside him.
PERCY
(Startled, jumps)
Ah!
PERCY calms down when he realizes the shark is not trying to harm him, and it nuzzles up against him like a dog. PERCY hesitantly touches the shark’s dorsal fin, and it bucks gently, inviting PERCY to hold on tighter. PERCY grabs onto the shark’s fin, and it takes off, blasting through the water like a rocket, pulling PERCY along.
PERCY:
(Surprised)
Whoa, boy!
The shark pulls PERCY deeper and deeper into the ocean.
PERCY:
(Slightly worried)
Where are you taking me?
The shark begins to slow down, and PERCY catches his breath when they come to a huge, gaping, pitch black canyon.
WOMAN’S VOICE: (O.S.)
(Quiet, gentle, far away)
PERSEUS…
PERCY is surprised to hear the voice of the river spirit he spoke to in St. Louis.
WOMAN’S VOICE: (O.S.)
(Gentle)
PERCY JACKSON…
PERCY makes out a light in the darkness of the canyon, and it slowly gets bigger until he sees beautiful woman with black hair, her body glowing gently with white light, wearing a flowing, greenish-white silk dress. She dismounts, smiles, and gives PERCY a small bow. Her giant seahorse and the mako shark begin playfully chasing each other.
WATER SPIRIT:
(Smiling, kind)
You have come far, my hero. Well done.
PERCY awkwardly bows, as she did.
WATER SPIRIT:
(Small laugh)
You are prince, PERCY JACKSON, you need not bow to me.
PERCY:
You’re the spirit I talked to in the Mississippi River, aren’t you?
WATER SPIRIT:
Yes, child. I am a Nereid, a spirit of the sea. It was not easy for me to travel so far up river, but my freshwater cousins, the naiads, were able to help me sustain myself. The naiads honor your father, though they do not serve in his court.
PERCY:
And… you do? Serve in his court, I mean?
NEREID:
Indeed. I must say, it has been many long years since a son of the sea god has been born. My sisters and I have watched over you with great interest.
PERCY:
(Confused, a bit resentful)
If my dad’s so interested in me, why doesn’t he come talk to me in person?
A cold current rises out of the canyon, and almost knocks PERCY off his feet.
NEREID:
(Sad, gentle)
Do not judge the Lord of the Sea too harshly. Your father is incredibly busy; he now stands on the brink of an unwanted war. And apart from that, your father is forbidden from helping you directly. Gods mustn’t show favoritism, you know.
PERCY:
(Surprised, a bit sad)
Even to their own children?
NEREID:
Especially to their own children. However, the gods can work through indirect influences, which is why your father has sent me to give you a warning; and a gift.
The Nereid holds out her hand, and shows PERCY three gleaming white pearls.
NEREID:
You journey to the realm of HADES. Few have returned from that place; Orpheus, who possessed great musical skill, Hercules, who possessed great strength, Houdini, who could escape even the depths of TARTARUS. Have you any of these talents?
PERCY:
(Awkward)
Um… well… no.
NEREID:
(Kind smile)
But you possess something else, PERCY JACKSON. Gifts you have yet to know. The oracles have foretold great and terrible future for you, should you survive to manhood. Your father would not have you die before your time comes. Therefore, he wishes to give you these pearls. When you are in need, smash them at your feet.
PERCY:
(Tentatively takes the pearls)
… What do they do?
NEREID:
That depends on the manner of your need. But remember this; what belongs to the sea will always return to the sea.
PERCY:
(Stares at the pearls with wonder)
You said you also came to give me a warning. What is it?
NEREID:
(Leans forward)
Listen to your heart, or you shall fail. HADES feeds upon doubt and hopelessness. He will try to trick you into mistrusting yourself. Once you enter the Realm of the Dead, he will never willingly let you leave. You must keep strong, and have faith.
The Nereid mounts her giant seahorse, and slowly descends back into the dark canyon.
NEREID:
Good luck, PERCY JACKSON.
PERCY:
(Urgent)
Wait! Back in St. Louis, you told me not to trust “the gifts”. What gifts?
NEREID:
(Voice becoming distant)
Farewell, my young hero. Listen to your heart…
The Nereid disappears into the darkness, leaving PERCY alone with the mako shark. PERCY gives the pearls an empty look, then begins swimming back to the surface.
EXT – SANTA MONICA BEACH – A FEW MINUTES LATER
PERCY shows the pearls to his friends.
ANNABETH:
(Skeptical)
This can’t be good. No gift ever comes for free.
PERCY:
But… she just gave them to me. No strings attached.
ANNABETH:
You ever heard the saying, “No such thing as a free lunch”? It’s an Ancient Greek saying that works pretty well in English, especially in America. There will be a price, just wait and see.
PERCY puts the pearls in his pocket, a slightly worried/disappointed look on his face. Later, as night falls, the kids cautiously wander around L.A., police sirens blaring in the back ground. ANNABETH notices a cop car coming, and pulls the boys into an alley. Once the cop car passes, they cautiously leave the alley.
PERCY:
(Relieved)
Phew… that was a close-
PERCY stops mid-sentence when he sees a his stepdad GABE, who is sitting with a pretty blonde woman, being interviewed by Barbra Walters on a TV in an appliance store.
GABE: (ON TV SCREEN)
(Feigning grief)
Honest, Ms. Walters, if it weren’t for Sugar here, my grief counselor, I… I don’t know what I’d do. My stepson took everything I care about… my wife… my car… I just…
GROVER:
For some reason I don’t think she’s a grief counselor.
GABE:
(Wipes away fake tear)
I’m sorry, I have a hard time talkin’ bout it.
BARBRA WALTERS:
(Overly dramatic, turns to camera)
There you have it, America. A man torn apart. An adolescent boy with serious issues. Here’s the last known photo of the troubled young fugitive, taken in Denver, Colorado, about a week ago.
A grainy image of PERCY, ANNABETH and GROVER talking to ARES outside the diner in Denver comes up on the screen next to Barbra Walters.
BARBRA WALTERS:
(Over dramatic)
Who are the other children in this photo? Who is the man with them? Is PERCY JACKSON simply a delinquent, a terrorist, or perhaps the brainwashed victim of a frightening new cult? When we come back, we’ll chat with leading child psychologist. Stay tuned, America.
PERCY’S face becomes twisted with fury, and GROVER gently grabs him by the shoulder.
GROVER:
Come on, dude. Let’s get going.
The kids begin wandering around L.A., and become nervous when they notice some shady people hanging around. They past by some people who look like gangbangers, bums, and various other suspicious looking people.
GRUFF MALE VOICE: (O.S.)
Hey, kid!
PERCY, startled, stops, and a homeless looking man comes out of an alley.
HOMELESS MAN:
(Fidgeting)
Spare some change?
PERCY:
(Awkward, nervous)
Um… sorry, no.
Several other bums come out of the dark alley, and when the kids try to run, several bums come up from behind them, staring the kids down threateningly. The first bum pulls out a switch blade, and PERCY uncaps Riptide, shocking the bums. PERCY swings his blade at the bum leader, but it passes through him as if he were a hologram.
HOMELESS MAN:
(Shocked)
What the-!?
PERCY:
(Surprised, disappointed)
Oh right, I, uh… I forgot about that.
ANNABETH kicks one of the bums in the crotch, causing him to crumple to the ground in pain.
ANNABETH:
(Urgent)
Run!
The kids start running down the sidewalk, the bums chasing after them, shouting at them to come back. The kids rush around a corner, and ANNABETH sees an open shop called “CRUSTY’S WATER BED PALACE”.
ANNABETH:
There!
The kids run into the shop, hide behind a display bed in the window, and the bums run past.
GROVER:
(Relieved)
Phew… I think we lost them.
MALE VOICE: (O.S.)
Lost who?
PERCY, ANNABETH AND GROVER, IN UNISON:
(Startled, jump)
Ah!
The kids turn around to see a tall, pale, bald man in a tacky leisure suit and silver chains around his neck, standing right behind them.
TALL BALD MAN:
(Grinning creepily, showing off yellow teeth)
How ya’ll doin? I’m Crusty.
PERCY:
(Holding back a laugh, quiet)
Yes, you are.
CRUSTY:
(Raises eyebrow)
Hm?
PERCY:
(Slightly embarrassed, awkward)
I said, uh… sorry to barge… in.
CRUSTY:
Hidin’ from them lowlifes, huh? Yeah, they hang around here every night. I get a lotta people comin’ in here cuz of them. So…
(Gestures around shop)
… Can I interest you kids in a water bed?
PERCY:
(Uncomfortable)
Um… I mean, uh… I don’t really think I need-
CRUSTY gracefully sweeps up behind PERCY, grabs him by the shoulders, and pushes him deeper into the shop.
PERCY:
Uh, okay, this is weird…
CRUSTY proudly gestures to a vibrating bed with lava lamps and black satin sheets.
CRUSTY:
Million hand massage. Why don’t you lie down? Hell, take a nap, I don’t care.
PERCY:
(Anxious)
Um, no, I think we’ll be leave-
GROVER:
(Excited)
Dude, million hand massage?! No way!
GROVER jumps into the massage bed.
GROVER:
(Voice vibrating)
O-oh d-dude, th-this is s-so s-sweet!
CRUSTY:
(Disappointed, stroking chin)
Hmm, not quite…
PERCY:
(Uneasy)
Huh? Not quite what?
CRUSTY:
(Takes ANNABETH by the shoulder)
Do me a favor, honey, and try this one over here.
ANNABETH:
(Uncomfortable)
I… but…
CRUSTY ushers ANNABETH over to a bed, and tries pushing her into it.
ANNABETH:
(Angry)
Hey! Get your hands off-
CRUSTY:
(Snaps fingers)
Ergo!
Ropes grow out from under the bed, and strap ANNABETH down to the mattress.
ANNABETH:
(Panicking, screaming)
Hey! LET ME GO!
GROVER tries to get out of his bed, but ropes tie him down as well.
GROVER:
(Alarmed)
I-it’s n-not s-sweet a-anymore, d-dudes!
PERCY:
(Steps back, shocked)
What the hell are you-
CRUSTY:
(Quickly places hand behind PERCY’S neck)
Whoa, take it easy, kid. I’ll get you your own bed in a sec.
PERCY:
(Assertive, serious)
Let my friends go.
CRUSTY:
(Calm, friendly)
Oh don’t worry, I will. Soon as I make ‘em fit.
PERCY:
(Confused, angry)
Fit? What do you-
CRUSTY:
Lemme explain. All the beds are exactly six feet. Your friends are too short, see, so I gotta stretch ‘em out a bit. Can’t stand imperfect measurements…
CRUSTY snaps his fingers again, and more ropes wrap around GROVER and ANNABETH’S feet and arms, and begin slowly stretching them. PERCY watches in horror as his friends scream in pain.
PERCY:
(Angry, shouting)
Let them go, now!
CRUSTY:
Don’t worry, they only need a few inches. Hell, they might even survive! Now, why don’t we get you set up with a bed you like, huh?
ANNABETH:
(Screaming in pain)
PERCY!!!
GROVER:
(Screaming in pain)
HELP!!!
PERCY:
(Suspicious)
Your name’s not really CRUSTY, is it?
CRUSTY:
Legally, it’s PROCRUSTES.
PERCY:
The Stretcher. The one who tried to kill Theseus with hospitality.
PROCRUSTES:
(Grinning)
That’s me. But who can pronounce Procrustes? ‘Crusty’ on the other hand, much easier to market.
PERCY:
(Eyes get wide, gets an idea)
Uh… yeah! I totally agree. Has a nice ring to it.
PROCRUSTES:
(Flattered)
You think so?
PERCY:
Oh, absolutely. And the craftsmanship on these beds is simply fabulous.
PROCRUSTES:
(Grinning)
I tell my customers that all the time. I mean, how many beds have you seen with lava lamps built into the headboards?
PERCY:
(Shrugging)
Not too many.
PROCRUSTES:
Exactly!
ANNABETH:
(Angry, confused, screaming in pain)
PERCY!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?
PERCY:
(Dismissive)
Don’t mind her. She couldn’t never understand the art of a well crafted bed.
PROCRUSTES:
(Sighing, disappointed)
None of my customers do. Never exactly six feet, so inconsiderate. And then they have the nerve to complain about the fittings!
PERCY:
So… what do you do if they’re taller than six feet?
PROCRUSTES:
Oh, easy fix. I just center the customer best I can, then grab my trusty friend here-
(Lets go of PERCY’S neck, reaches behind desk, pulls out huge, double sided bronze axe)
- And I lop off whatever hangs off either side!
PERCY:
(Surprised, nervous)
Oh… well, I mean, that’s just perfectly sensible.
PROCRUSTES:
(Excited)
Oh, you have no idea what it feels like to finally have an intelligent customer!
PERCY worriedly look over to his friends, ANNABETH gasping for air, struggling against the ropes, GROVER making strangled gurgling sounds.
PERCY:
So… CRUSTY, my man, this bed…
(Gestures to giant heart shaped bed with red satin sheets)
… Does it really have dynamic stabilizers to stop wave motion?
PROCRUSTES:
Sure does. Why don’t you give it a try?
PERCY:
(Stroking chin, pretending to be interested)
Yeah, maybe I will. But… would it work even for a big guy like you?
PROCRUSTES:
Absolutely.
PERCY:
Really? No waves at all?
PROCRUSTES:
None. Guaranteed.
PERCY:
(Pretending to be skeptical)
No way.
PROCRUSTES:
Way.
PERCY:
Prove it.
PROCRUSTES puts his axe down, lies in the bed, and pats the mattress.
PROCRUSTES:
See? No waves at all-
PERCY:
(Snaps fingers)
Ergo!
Ropes spring out of the sides of the bed, tying PROCRUSTES down to it, his head hanging off the top.
PROCRUSTES:
(Shocked, angry)
What the-?!
PERCY:
(Frowns, feigning disappointment)
Oooh, sorry, man. Looks like you don’t quite fit…
(Uncaps Riptide)
… Let me make a few adjustments.
PROCRUSTES:
(Anxious, gulps)
Whoa, uh, y-you drive a hard bargain, kid. Tell you what; let me go, and I, uh… I’ll give you thirty percent off any of the floor models!
PERCY:
(Sarcastic, pretending to consider offer)
Really? Any of the floor models?
PROCRUSTES:
Y-yep! A-and no money down. And no interest for six months.
PERCY:
Hm. That’s a pretty tempting offer. But I think I have a better one.
PROCRUSTES:
(Curious)
Really? What’s that?
PERCY:
(Raises Riptide, aiming for PROCRUSTES’S neck)
Go to TARTARUS.
PROCRUSTES:
(Frowns)
That’s not a-
PERCY swings Riptide down, and chops off PROCRUSTES’S head, turning the giant salesman to yellow dust and black smoke, then quickly cuts GROVER and ANNABETH’S ropes.
PERCY:
(Concerned)
You alright?
ANNABETH:
(Groaning)
Define “alright”.
PERCY:
(Smirks)
You look taller.
ANNABETH:
(Irritated)
Very funny. Could you maybe be faster saving us next time?
PERCY heads behind CRUSTY’S desk, and begins flipping through papers. He finds a pouch of drachmas, and puts them in his pocket, then finds a map.
PERCY:
So, who’s ready to go to the UNDERWORLD?
GROVER:
(Groaning)
Dude, give me a sec…
(Stretches, back makes sickening ‘pop’ sound)
Oooo, that was good. Okay, I’m ready.
PERCY:
Good.
(Holds up map he found on CRUSTY’S desk)
Because it’s right around the block.
EXT – VALENCIA BOULEVARD – A FEW MINUTES LATER
The kids stand outside of a record store with a sign made of black marble engraved with gold lettering that reads: DOA RECORDING STUDIOS, and stenciled words on the glass door that reads: NO SOLICITING, NO LOITERING, NO LIVING.
ANNABETH:
Well, this was not what I was expecting.
PERCY:
What were you expecting?
ANNABETH:
(Shrugging)
I dunno. Like, a hole by the Hollywood sign that opens when you read some Ancient Greek graffiti?
(Looks directly into the camera)
PERCY:
(Confused)
… Okay, whatever. Anyway, you guys remember the plan?
GROVER:
(Nervous)
Yep. The plan. Love the plan.
ANNABETH:
(Critical, curt)
And what if the plan goes wrong?
PERCY:
(Trying to be reassuring)
Oh come on, don’t be so negative, ANNABETH.
ANNABETH:
(Sarcastic)
Oh yes, PERCY. We’re about to enter the Land of the Dead, but I’m sure if we don’t think negative, we’ll be just fine.
PERCY takes the Nereid’s pearls out of his pocket, and stares at them glumly.
ANNABETH:
(Kind, places hand on PERCY’S shoulder)
I’m sorry, PERCY. You’re right. Well make it.
ANNABETH gives GROVER a nudge.
GROVER:
(Nervous, trying to be reassuring)
Y-yeah! I mean, we’ve made it this far, right? We’ll get the BOLT, save your mom, and save the world.
PERCY:
(Smiles, then gets serious)
Alright. Let’s kick some UNDERWORLD ass.
INT – DOA RECORDING STUDIOS – SAME TIME
The kids enter DOA, Muzak playing softly. The walls are steel gray, the furniture black leather. There are people hanging about the lobby, but at closer glance, they are slightly see through, as if they were made of smoke. The kids head to the main desk, which is raised up on a podium. The security guard behind the desk has a military style haircut, dyed bleach blonde, wearing tortoiseshell shades and a white silk Italian suit, with a black rose pinned to his lapel, and a silver name tag.
PERCY:
(Leans forwards, reads name tag, bewildered)
Your name is CHIRON?
SECURITY GUARD:
(Leans over, smiling, soothing voice)
What a precious lad you are. Tell me, do I look like a centaur?
PERCY:
(Slightly embarrassed)
N-no.
SECURITY GUARD:
Sir.
PERCY:
No, sir.
SECURITY GUARD:
(Gestures to name tag)
Take a closer look, now. It’s C-H-A-R-O-N. Now say it with me, CARE-ON.
PERCY:
(A bit irritated)
CHARON.
CHARON:
Ah-mazing. Now, Mr. CHARON.
PERCY:
(Rolls his eyes)
Mr. CHARON.
CHARON:
Well done. I do hate being confused with that old horse. Now, how may I help you little dead ones?
PERCY looks over at ANNABETH.
ANNABETH:
(A bit uncomfortable)
Well, we uh, wanna go to the UNDERWORLD.
CHARON:
(Blunt, a bit surprised)
Oh. Well, that’s refreshing.
ANNABETH:
(Confused)
I, uh- it is?
CHARON:
Oh, absolutely. Just straightforward and honest, no screaming, no “Oh, please, Mr. CHARON, please give me another chance!”.
(Grins, clasps hands)
So, how did you loves die?
PERCY clears his throat.
GROVER:
(Nervous)
Oh! We uh, we drowned. In a bathtub.
CHARON:
(Raises eyebrow)
All three of you at once?
PERCY:
(Awkward)
I-it was a really big bathtub.
CHARON:
(Blunt)
Naturally. I don’t suppose you have coins for passage, though. If you were adults, I could charge your American Express, or add the ferry fee to your last cable bill. But children…
(Sighs, sad)
… Alas, they never die prepared, it seems. I’m afraid you’ll have to take a seat for a few centuries.
PERCY:
Oh, we have coins.
(Places three drachmas on the desk)
CHARON:
(Licks lips, excited)
My my… real golden drachmas… I haven’t seen those in…
(Hand hovers over drachmas, becomes suspicious)
Here now, just a minute ago, you read my name tag wrong. Are you dyslexic, mate?
PERCY:
(A bit nervous)
No, I’m dead.
CHARON:
(Leans forward, stares the kids down)
You’re not dead.
(Sniffs the air, disdainful)
Two godlings and a satyr. I should have known.
PERCY:
(Awkward)
Okay, first of all, I didn’t want to be a half-blood, and second, we really need to get to the UNDERWORLD.
CHARON makes a strange, growling sound in his throat, and the spirits waiting around the lobby start moving around, restless, lighting cigarettes, fidgeting with their watches, etc.
CHARON:
Why don’t you leave now, and I’ll just forget I saw you.
CHARON starts to reach for the drachmas, but PERCY snatches them away.
PERCY:
(Serious, assertive)
No service, no tip.
CHARON growls again, the spirits start banging on the elevator door.
PERCY:
(Pretending to be disappointed)
It’s really a shame. We had more to offer.
PERCY holds up the pouch of drachmas he took from CRUSTY’S place, pulls out a fistful of the golden coins, and lets them run through his fingers.
CHARON:
(Slightly hungry look on face)
You think I can be bought, godling? Hmmm, just out of curiosity, how much you got there?
PERCY:
(Polite)
A lot. So… what’s your pay like, huh? HADES being good to you, or…?
CHARON:
(Annoyed)
Ugh, you don’t know the half of it. Babysitting these spirits for eternity, always with “Please don’t let me be dead”, “Please let me go in for free”, all day, everyday. I haven’t had a raise in almost three thousand years. I mean, look at me.
(Gestures to his suit)
… You think dressing this good is cheap?
PERCY:
(Nodding, slowly drops a few drachmas on the desk)
Clearly, you deserve better wages as, uh… compensation for the, um… mentally taxing environment you work in.
PERCY glances over at ANNABETH, who quickly nods approvingly.
CHARON:
You know, mate? I think you might be starting to talk some sense.
(Strokes chin, thinking)
Hm… boat’s almost full anyway… tell you what, lad. While you’re talking to the boss man, if you were to mention something about giving me a raise…
PERCY:
I guess I could drop a subtle hint or two.
CHARON:
(Smiles coldly, grabs drachmas)
Come along, then.
CHARON begins pushing through the spirits of the dead, the kids follow him. As CHARON pushes through the spirits, they whisper and wail incomprehensible gibberish.
CHARON:
Freeloaders.
CHARON opens the elevator doors, and they get in with several spirits already in the elevator.
CHARON:
(Turns to face the spirits still in the lobby)
No one get any ideas while I’m gone. And if anyone changes the station from easy-listening again, you’ll all be waiting here for another thousand years.
The elevator doors close, and CHARON slides a key card into the slot on the panel, and the elevator begins to descend.
ANNABETH:
(Uncomfortable)
So… what happens to the spirits in the lobby?
CHARON:
(Blunt)
Nothing.
ANNABETH:
Oh… for how long?
CHARON:
Forever. Or until I’m feeling generous.
ANNABETH:
(Curt, sarcastic)
Well that’s fair.
CHARON:
Nothing about death is fair, love. You’ll find that out for yourself soon enough where you’re heading.
PERCY:
(Confident)
We’ll get out alive.
CHARON:
(Dry)
Ha.
Suddenly, PERCY becomes a bit woozy, blinks a few times, and sees that CHARON’S Italian suit has been replaced by a gray tunic and a black cloak, and his tortoiseshell shades have disappeared, revealing his eyes to be empty black pits. PERCY notices the modern clothes of the spirits become tattered gray cloaks.
CHARON:
Well?
PERCY:
(Realizes he was staring at CHARON’S strange eyes)
N-nothing.
CHARON’S face slowly becomes transparent, showing off his grinning skull. The elevator suddenly starts swaying.
GROVER:
(Holds his hand up to his mouth as if about to vomit)
Oh, dude… I’m gonna be sick…
PERCY becomes a bit woozy again, and suddenly the elevator has become a wooden barge, gently drifting down an oily, black river littered with all sorts of things, from college diplomas, dolls, money, and jewelry.
ANNABETH:
The River Styx… it’s so…
CHARON:
Polluted. For thousands of years, the spirits of the dead have thrown in everything they can’t take with them; hopes, dreams, wishes that never came true. Irresponsible waste management, if you ask me.
Mist begins curling off the river, PERCY glances up to see huge stalactites, and then sees a strange, poison-green light glowing faintly in the distance. PERCY and ANNABETH begin nervously looking around at the spirits around them, and ANNABETH grabs PERCY’S hand. CHARON rows down the river a bit, and soon, they find themselves approaching the shores of the UNDERWORLD, craggy rocks and black volcanic sand, and about a hundred yards up the shore, a huge, stone wall that seems to go on forever in either direction. The kids become more uneasy when they here a deep, powerful howling sound somewhere in the distance.
CHARON:
(His face almost entirely transparent)
Ol’ three face is hungry. Too bad for you, godlings.
The boat slides up onto the black shores, and PERCY sadly watches the spirits shuffle out of the boat. PERCY, ANNABETH and GROVER hesitantly depart the boat.
CHARON:
So long, mates. I’d wish you luck, but there’s none down here.
CHARON begins rowing away.
CHARON:
Oh, and don’t forget to mention my raise.
CHARON eventually disappears from PERCY’S sight, and the kids forlornly trudge up the path with the spirits. As they get closer to the gate, PERCY sees that the gates of the UNDERWORLD seem to be modeled after airport security, with three different entrances with a sign over them that reads: YOU ARE NOW ENTERING EREBUS. Beyond the gates, there are some tollbooth-like structures manned by ghoulish black robed figures like CHARON. PERCY notices lots of spirits moving right along to a gate with a sign over it that reads: EZ DEATH.
PERCY:
(Points to quick moving line)
What do you make of that?
ANNABETH:
Probably goes to the FIELDS OF ASPHODEL. It’s the place where spirits go if they’re too scared to face judgment in court.
PERCY:
(Surprised)
There’s a court for the dead?
ANNABETH:
Yep. There’s three judges, and HADES switches them around once in a while. King Minos, Thomas Jefferson, Shakespeare, people like that. The judges look at a person’s life, and if they were really good, they get to go to ELYSIUM. If they were really bad, the judges decide on a punishment. But for most people… well, most people never do anything really special in their lives, good or evil, so they go to the FIELDS OF ASPHODEL.
PERCY:
Oh… and… what exactly happens in ASPHODEL?
GROVER:
Imagine wandering around in a wheat field.
PERCY:
Well, that doesn't sound so-
GROVER:
Forever.
PERCY:
… Oh. I guess that would kinda suck.
GROVER:
(Eyes wide with fear, points to something)
Not as much as that.
PERCY and ANNABETH look where GROVER is pointing, and see two black robed ghouls grab one of the spirits in line, who begins sniffing him down. They ghouls growl angrily, and begin dragging the shrieking spirit away towards one of the gates.
PERCY:
(Worried, a bit scared)
Where are they taking him?
GROVER:
(Gulps)
FIELDS OF PUNISHMENT, probably. The Furies will set up whatever punishment the judges decide on.
As the kids slowly approach the gates, they hear the howling sound again, but still can’t see where it is coming from. As they get closer to the gates, a huge, a shadowy figure slowly becomes visible, and starts to form the dark, transparent shape of a massive three-headed dog, towering over them, growling.
PERCY:
(Petrified)
H-he’s a rottweiler?
ANNABETH:
(Slowly turns head towards PERCY)
Wow, PERCY. There is, standing in front of us, a three-headed dog twice the size of an elephant, with teeth the size of cinder blocks, and more than likely wants to make us his midnight snack, and the first thing you think to say is, “He’s a rottweiler”?
PERCY:
(Awkward)
I’m just trying to ease the tension.
The kids slowly approach CERBERUS, and notice the giant dog is becoming more visible.
PERCY:
(Curious)
I’m starting to see him better… why?
ANNABETH:
(Gulps, scared)
Well… it’s probably because we’re becoming closer to death.
CERBERUS stoops one of his heads, and begins sniffing.
PERCY:
(Grim)
He can smell the living.
GROVER:
(Trembling with fear)
Yeah. B-b-but it’s okay, cuz we g-g-gotta plan, right?
ANNABETH:
(Small, quiet, terrified)
Yeah. Th-th-the plan.
The kids inch closer the CERBERUS, and the three-headed dog barks so loud, the world seems to shake.
PERCY:
GROVER? Translation?
GROVER:
I, uh, don’t think humans have a four letter word that translates exactly.
PERCY reaches into his backpack, pulling out a broken bedpost.
PERCY:
(Nervous, trying to be calm)
H-hey boy, I bet they don’t play with you much down here, huh?
CERBERUS lets out a thunderous bark.
PERCY:
(Gulps)
G-good boy…
(Waves the stick around)
Y-you see the stick?
CERBERUS’S middle head follows the stick, the other two heads fixed directly on PERCY.
PERCY:
Fetch!
PERCY throws the bedpost, and CERBERUS watches it, unflinching. The stick disappears into the gloom, and splashes into the River Styx. CERBERUS turns his three heads back onto the kids, and growls menacingly.
GROVER:
Um, PERCY?
PERCY:
Yeah?
GROVER:
Just thought you should know, CERBERUS says we have ten seconds to pray to the god of our choice before we become Cerby snacks.
CERBERUS begins snarling, saliva dripping from his three jaws, and ANNABETH’S eyes get wide.
ANNABETH:
Wait! I have an idea.
(Start rifling through backpack)
CERBERUS gets into an attack position.
GROVER:
Um, so I’m thinking maybe we should run now?
ANNABETH:
(Frantically looking through backpack)
Hold on!
CERBERUS roars, and starts to lunge forward when ANNABETH whips a red rubber ball out of her backpack, and the giant dog stops mid lunge, curious.
ANNABETH:
See the ball, boy? You want the ball? Sit!
CERBERUS cocks his heads, confused.
ANNABETH:
(Assertive)
Sit!
To PERCY and GROVER’S surprise, CERBERUS sits, crushing several spirits, who pass through him, shouting angrily in some sort of gibberish.
ANNABETH:
(Pleased)
Good boy!
ANNABETH throws the ball, which CERBERUS catches in his middle mouth. The other two heads start snapping at the ball.
ANNABETH:
Drop it!
CERBERUS whimpers, and gently drops the ball at ANNABETH’S feet, almost bitten in half and covered in slobber.
ANNABETH:
(Picks up ball)
Good boy.
(Glances back at PERCY and GROVER)
Go. EZ DEATH line, it’s faster.
PERCY:
(Worried, hesitant)
But-
ANNABETH:
Go!
PERCY and GROVER reluctantly start inching forward, CERBERUS growls.
ANNABETH:
Stay! You want the ball? Then stay!
PERCY:
(Worried)
What about you?
ANNABETH:
(Slightly nervous)
I know what I’m doing, PERCY. Kinda.
PERCY and GROVER cautiously walk under the giant dog’s legs.
ANNABETH:
Good dog!
ANNABETH throws the ball to CERBERUS, and quickly walks under him while the three heads fight over the ball.
PERCY:
(Impressed)
How’d you do that?
ANNABETH:
(Catching breath)
Obedience school. When I was really little, my dad got a doberman, and-
GROVER:
(Urgent)
Dudes, less talking, more running.
The kids bolt for the EZ DEATH line, and ANNABETH stops when she hears CERBERUS whining behind her. She turns around to face him, and sees the giant dog panting, the ball torn to bits at his feet.
PERCY:
(Worried)
ANNABETH?
ANNABETH:
(Shaky voice, sad smile)
Good boy. I’ll bring you another ball soon. Would you like that?
CERBERUS whines, and lower his three heads.
ANNABETH:
(Petting CERBERUS’S head, holding back tears)
G-good boy. I’ll visit you, okay? I… I promise.
PERCY:
(Sad, hesitant)
ANNABETH… we have to go.
ANNABETH sadly walks away from CERBERUS, and passes through the EZ DEATH line with the boys. As they walk through the metal detector, alarms begin blaring, and CERBERUS starts barking.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Unauthorized possessions! Magic items detected!
PERCY:
(Urgent)
Run!
The kids run through the gate into the FIELDS OF ASPHODEL, pushing through disgruntled spirits as black robed ghoulish security guards chase after them, shrieking and wailing. The kids scramble down the ridge of a road, and hide in the rotten trunk of a large, black tree. The ghouls run past the tree, still wailing and shrieking. The kids stay in the trunk for a bit to make sure the ghouls are gone.
GROVER:
Your plans suck, dude.
PERCY:
(Irritated)
Yeah, well, you’re a donkey.
(Takes quick look around the corner to make sure it’s safe)
Alright, they’re gone. We should-
PERCY stops mid-sentence when he notices ANNABETH sniffing and wiping tears from her eyes, and hears CERBERUS howling mournfully in the distance.
PERCY:
(Gently places hands on ANNABETH’S shoulders)
Come on. We have to get out of here.
ANNABETH nods, wiping the last of the tears from her eyes, and takes PERCY’S hand.

Part 2 will be out soon.

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